As per today, the COVID-19 pandemic already affected 213 countries, more than 17 million people, and has taken more than 667.000 lives.I recognize the lossI’m thinking about them who are mourning.My condolences and deepest sympathy for them.


In the past,
when I thought about suffering,
it was very personal,
and I was always hesitant to address it.

My hope was that,
we find comfort and peace in God.

The source was my skeptical theism:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD.

I began to doubt,
that He knew what’s best for them and me,
that He was there for them and me.
Ultimately, I began to doubt His word.

I had rejected God.
I had decided I’d rather be my own gods.

Suffering raised questions in my heart:
Could God have wronged you and me?
He offered an eternal life,
rather than healing us,
rather than creating a better world,
in which you and I could lived without suffering?


How do families endure grief and pain?
How does a mother manage it in life?
Where do we go for answers,
when we suffer,
or when we see those we love suffering?
Why does the all powerful and loving God allow this?
Can I trust God even when faced with great evil?
Is He morally trustworthy?
Can I trust Him even if I don’t understand what is happening?

Here, I don’t want to talk
about evolution nor atheism.
There are many articles about this.

Living with DIPG,
I know more or less,
what is suffering.

A palliative nurse,
came on Monday
she said that I wasn’t getting better,
that most likely I will die from a lung infection,
As a consequence of aspirating food or liquid.
Or I will starve to death
because I decided
once I cannot swallow anymore,
not to be given food through my feeding tube
but just water to keep me hydrated.

Since 3 years ago,
I was diagnosed
with late stage incurable brain cancer,
I trusted God in everything,
even when times are hard,
I was clinging on to Him,
because I have already learned to trust Him.
God hasn’t changed,
it’s my circumstances that have changed.

When suffering came,
it didn’t take me away from God,
but it revealed Him to me,
Have I really been trusting Him or not?
I haven’t attempted to answer,
all of the intellectual issues,
regardless of what is going on around me.

It’s me and our nature,
to think the innocent shouldn’t suffer.
Most heartbreaking of all,
is the suffering of a child.
Children are as close to innocence,
as I ever see in this world,
and for them to suffer is truly tragic.

innocent children suffer,
because of the sin of others:
neglect, abuse, drunk drivers, etc.

Other times,
innocent children suffer,
because of what we might call,
“acts of God”,
DIPG, childhood cancer, natural disasters, accidents, and so on.

Yes, the innocent suffer.
Maybe I can only ask Him ‘why’,
when I am in the eternity.
In this world,
innocent and not-innocent people,
are the same,
they will have troubles.
Trials and distress,
are not something unusual in life,
they are part of what it means to be in this world.

The difference is,
in times of despair and sorrow,
do we reach out to Him,
do we wait for Him,
to comfort and uphold us through it all.
The faithful do not doubt His goodness,
we know that trials prove,
our faith,
that we will receive the crown of life,
that the Lord has promised,
to those who love Him.

Often, there is no way we can know,
why God allowed something terrible to happen.
We can trust that it was God’s will,
but to understand it,
is a different matter.

There is no pain or suffering in Heaven.
In Heaven we will all be perfect.
However, it should be our goal,
to reach that level of trust,
in our pre-Heaven walk with God.

when tragedy strikes us,
whether circumstances are hard,
when illness, natural disasters,
or even a loved one’s death,
it’s tempting to wonder “why me?”
and to become angry with God,
for not stopping it.

When suffering becomes personal,
we wonder why God would allow us to suffer.
Yet, He never promises,
an easy and pain-free life.
Actually, He promised us,
we will have trouble and hardship in this world.
But, He also promises us,
the hope and help we have in Him.

life has a way of throwing us
quite a few curve balls.
Challenges come our way all the time.
And we are still human.
We are prone to getting upset and bothered.
We tend to worry and fret over many things.

We also may be approached by a person,
who’s hurting due to illness, death, circumstances, or a natural disaster.
We may have not the answer.

But point them to Christ.
Rejoice always; be gentle;
don’t be anxious; pray; give thanks;
and present our requests to God.
Because of Christ,
we have hope and eternity.


It’s God’s desire,
all of us to be at peace with Him.
In fact,
it was His plan,
we could forever be at peace with Him,
by sending Jesus Christ,
His only Son to earth.
After living a life,
Jesus was crucified,
and His sacrifice made provision for us,
the forgiveness of our sins.

Through Jesus sacrifices,
when we put our faith in Him,
our sins are wiped away in God’s sight.
We have peace with God,
Jesus is called the Prince of Peace,
and it is through Him alone,
we may have peace with God.

now we have the confident,
hope of an eternity in Heaven with God,
we have been justified by faith,
we have peace with God through Jesus Christ.
Through Him,
we have obtained access,
by faith into this grace,
in which we stand,
and we rejoice in hope,
of the glory of God.

Your Titien

Check this out:

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Hebrews 4:16 ESV


3 Years 3 months Post Biopsy
Midline Pontine Glioblastoma/DIPG Grade IV

Now, Tobias takes care of me completely.
I 100% depend on Tobias, on everything.
I hope miracles happen,
I have asked God,
to allow me at the end of my life,
To have the strength to type and to swallow.

Sometimes I cry by myself,
I love Tobias so much.
For example,
we make mistakes,
he sometimes doesn’t understand me,
he’s 80 kgs and me 55-60 kgs,
like a sack of rice,
when I fall,
or not sit properly,
I give him pain.

I want to always say I love him,
and I am sorry,
please be patience with each other,
please bear with me couple of weeks longer.

I can’t hold my neck anymore.
I need a neck pillow.
I fall whenever I don’t sit up straight.
I lost all of my muscles and bodily functions.
I cannot control my balance anymore.

I am getting worse rapidly, day by day.
Dexamethasone doesn’t slow down my symptoms from worsening.

Following the advice of my doctors,
I keep decreasing dexamethasone every few days.
She wants me to go until 4 mg and 2 mg.
It’s too fast for me.
I am retaining so much water in my body.
I currently take 4.5mg during breakfast (9 am), 4.5 mg during lunch (2 pm).

Every morning,
Tobias gives me kisses,
I am so loved unconditionally by Tobias ♥️.
I depend 100% on him.
No matter what happens,
I trust that Tobias gives himself,
and loves me unconditionally.

I am almost 100 % crippled,
I am almost 100 % disabled,
I almost 100 % lost my muscles,
I almost 100 %. lost my bodily functions,
Yet, inside my head is still the same Titien.
I know ,
I can’t do anything about it.
Just so thankful for Tobias ♥️

They know at what time we come to feed them
Family of geese
Same family
Nutria. Sorry we forgot your carrot.
The Maiers
They know when we are coming
Tuesday morning
Tobias’ brother came to visit us from Denmark
Neighbor keeps feeding us with cakes  
My thank-you note. Handwriting not good anymore

Wednesday morning
Saying good bye to the Danes
Enough food – no need to fight.
Thursday morning
Thursday afternoon
Friday morning. I can’t live without him.

20 Replies to “WHY HE LETS ME SUFFER?”

  1. Dear Titien
    I am happy you had family visits from Denmark. It is not easy to travel because ov Covid-19 right now. And it is nice that your neighbor bakes cakes for you. I am a baker myself. Everybody loves you, sweet lady. God bless you, Titien. Cancer sucks-we need a cure for it. We so, so need a cure for all cancers.
    Love Mari

    1. Hi Mari,
      I don’t know you’re a baker too 👍
      I’m sure I will have enough cakes everyday 😂
      Yes, lovely to see them from Denmark 🇩🇰, and yes they loved me, oh well just this neighbor 😂 always remember me when baking

  2. Oh Titien, just as I was crying after reading this I see the pictures & had to smile at the 1st Nutria. But then the close-up😳 I just started laughing. Thankful for a family visit during this crazy time. That was wonderful. So much love always & long distance hugs.

    1. Haha Karen ♥️
      You’re like a crazy woman 👩🏻
      Sometimes crying and minutes later laughing 😆
      I love you too ♥️😊👍🥰

  3. Hi Titien,
    I cannot stop writing to you. Your words always touch my soul. You’re right…we are human, and we have doubt that creeps in…especially when we see others suffer or be hurt in anyway; or sometimes when we experience suffering or loss ourselves. To God we ask – why? I believe God expects us to have many moments of doubt because we are human. He also knows our hearts and that we really do love Him too. We are learning. Sometimes we get scared. I am learning to trust more, in God. Some days, it is so hard. Yet somehow I know in my heart He will never leave us.

    God knows your heart, Titien. I think it is a lovely heart. So does Tobias 😊 And his heart is lovely too.

    I love the animals. Thank you for posting the pictures. I made friends with ducks while away, many years ago. But a favorite memory. The ducks came every morning, more and more of them, because I fed them my Rice Krispies cereal. It was a scene 🤗😂

    I continue prayers for you, Titien, and for your Tobias. You are loved 😘♥️🌸🌶🦆🦋

    1. Hi Lisa ♥️
      Thanks for your kind comments.
      You’re loved and never forsaken.
      Although you’re facing difficulties in life.
      Remember this always.

      Btw I’m so happy you feeding the ducks 🦆 😂
      With Rice Krispies 😂 what a scene
      And they’re must be happy too
      Haha 😆👍

      Thanks for remember us in prayer 🙏
      You’re so kind and sweet ♥️👍🥰😊

  4. My dearest Titien and Tobias, thinking of you every day!
    A few days ago I finished watching a series, where a boy dies of coronary heart disease.
    His friends decide to divide their friend’s life among themselves and live an experience that he would have liked to live. Each of them would live an experience he still had to live… a trip somewhere, giving his first kiss, surfing, etc… So he would go on living in them ☺️ .

    Titien, we are many who have you in our hearts and I promise that we will live many experiences for you! You will always be among us!

    You are both in my ❤️
    Praying for you🙏🏼😘

    1. Hi Tania,
      Yes I hope we find a cure si little boy can experience a lots of things in life ♥️
      Thanks for thinking of us ♥️👍😊🥰

  5. Titian thank you so much for sharing your story! Prayers are sent to you and your husband. I loss my son on July 17, 2020 from dipg he was diagnosed on July 18, 2019. Reading this post answered so many questions I have had in my head I always wondered what he felt and thought not being able to swallow, eat or drink and not being able to b a kid he was 8 years old. I wondered what he felt when people was coming to see him and if he felt god was taking him soon. This is the most heartbreaking thing for a parent to go through I cannot imagine how you or my son honestly feel. Your stories are very inspiring and thank you for allowing the world to follow you on this journey. Prayers and hugs sent from West Virginia!

    1. Dear Jackie ♥️
      Thanks for sharing your story.
      I am sorry for your loss.
      He’s very brave.
      It’s not easy to live with DIPG.
      I’m glad and encouraged by your son that god
      Picked him up, and I am sure He will prepares me. Thanks for strengthening me ♥️

  6. Titien,

    It is always good to read your posts, and to think about what you say. Very profound and true words.

    I love how you and Tobias seize each day and enjoy them together. Your example is a shining one for all of us. Each day is a blessing and there are many aspects of daily life we all take for granted, that we shouldn’t.

    You have many people, including me, praying for you and Tobias. ❤️🦆🌻

  7. Dearest sweet Titien, your words moved me to tears. My email was down last few days and I missed your Friday blog notification. Thank God I had the privilege and joy to read it this Sunday morning with Tobias’ newest post. It’s Sunday here and we are readying for online service. But Titien, this post and in fact all your writing and inspiration is a sermon in itself. I am always inspired and my faith in God is increased. And I share your blog to anyone that needs hope and to feel God’s love. 👍👍👍😎😎😎感谢主。谢谢你Titien!

  8. I am in the USA near Chicago, a world away from you. I’m sorry for your struggles and pain. I admire your transparency and courage and your words resonate and are a blessing to me. I will remember you and Tobias always. 💛

  9. Dearest Titien
    May God’s love sustain you and Tobias at this very difficult time. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, and I ‘ve recommended your blog to several people so that they, like me, maybe inspired and encouraged by your faith and amazing fortitude in adversity.
    You are an exceptional person, and I’m asking God to take extra special care of you and Tobias.
    Hugs and prayers

    1. Thanks Elisabeth ♥️
      Thanks for sharing my stories, and your encouraging words.
      You’re so kind and sweet 👍♥️🥰

  10. Dear Titien, It was not easy to go through this hard time. But please be strong and always have hope and eat healthy food and take in a lot of oxygen fresh air. Miracles do happen 😁 we will also pray and really wish you will get better. Really admire you and tobias, such a lovely couple. Thank you.

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