Depression is not an identity!

Depression is an illness, it’s not an identity.
Depression can be cured.
It will get better. 
Life will get better.


Yesterday at the dinner time with all the doctors/scientists, they talked about the stress as a researcher and many ended up suicide.

I see depression and suicidal behavior is something we can’t ignore. Society may think it’s a taboo to talk about it, but silence making it worse.

Depression is a disease. Many factors and conditions. Each case are different. People can have depression although things in their life is going well; depression from grieve; depression from stress; depression triggered by things going bad in their life; depression from physical pain; depression from mental illness; etc.

Many refused to open up and seek help. Many used alcohol and drugs to ease their painful depression. Silence only make things worse, isolation lead to suicide.

In my life I had experience depression. It last for years until not long ago I was completely healed.

In my past, I was not going for alcohol nor drugs, but I had bulimia.

That time depression not only take away my happiness, but more than that, it crushed my vitality. I was not in the mood to do things, to socialize, to do basic living things such as eating and showering. However I managed to keep doing it although I didn’t feel like doing it.

When I eat, for me it was just things I put in my mouth, chewed and swallowed it. No enjoyment, only knowing I need food to live. Then after binged food, my body rejected it, I threw it out. I was live with this secret. I felt ashamed, disgusted with myself, this got me even more depressed.

Each day my heart was hurt, I walked to work and home with no vision. I felt lost. Dead man walking, that’s how I see myself. My eyes were heavy. My energy was sinking. I wanted it to end.


Fortunately, I was surrounded by friends that care, they ask and listen.

A friend from church aware my situation, we talked and then he sponsored me to see a psychiatrist. I went and opened up, I talked. It helped. But then I stopped seeing this psychiatrist. Reason was tiredness. I shouldn’t quit seeing her.

I was giving up, everything I see was nothing good, all negative.

But my angels, my bestfriends, Kayan and Ashlee, were never giving up on me. Yes, I talked with them, I complained and shared resentment. Almost everyday, they said love, I said hate; they said light, I said darkness; they said hope, I said hopeless; they said blessings, I said curse; they said grateful, I said I was used; etc I refused and can’t see the positive things in life.

One day I was about to end my life. Again my bestfriends through phone-call, they talked me through how people who love me will feel, how my mom will feel. (By the way, my mom is the best mom in the world. She put my life above her own. She’s gentle and beautiful inside outside). I can’t be selfish. I give life another chance.


It took a quite process for me to come out clean from depression.

The key is : LOVE and TALK

Love yourself and accept people’s love. 
Don’t keep it to yourself, speak it out to those who cares.

Thanks to my friends for not giving up on me, never forget to ask how am doing, never lost patience listen to me, and above all, never stop loving me when I was at the stage of undeserved to be loved.

Thanks to God that I had courage overcome my fear, and decision to let go people and things that depressed me. To acknowledge the meaning of love myself.

Since then things get better.


Depression is just a disease. Good news is it’s curable. When you seek help you will be healed. There’s effective treatment. Don’t be ashamed to talk it out. It’s a strength not weakness to show your vulnerability.

When I look back now, I see how I was never forsaken alone. There’s always people who are just there for me when I was down, not giving up, loving me no matter what. But that time I was blind, saw only hurt and pain caused by people who took me for granted, saw no reason to live, all meaningless, etc. That time it’s hard to talk me through positivity, because I only believe what I want to believe.


Depression is not an identity. My identity is a fighter with a good-sometimes naive- heart that care about others, compassionate, meek and sensitive, feel energized when encourage others, happy when see others happy, smile and laugh a lot, love people, and loved.

For you who are depressed or think about ending your life. Give life a chance. You deserve it.

Depression is not you, it’s the illness. Find the problem that brings you depression, talk with friends. If you have no friend -I’m sure you will have one- seek help. You, your life, will get better and better.

Now, despite living with deadly DIPG, I live my life, free from depression. DIPG is incurable, depression is curable. There are down moments with DIPG, but it is not taking away my vitality soul. I am no more dead man walking. Day by day I cherish my life. Believe me, life is beautiful to be grateful. You will see.

I wish you good friends and family that you can talk your depression to them, without being judged, and may you see their love shine you in your darkness. Hope with this light you will find your way out. Know this: you are special and loved. It will get better. You deserve to live.

“Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”-Ecclesiastes 4:12

With love,

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