As a a daughter, and a wife who is fighting cancer / DIPG, like many of us, our faith in the almighty God was shaken.
Bible said “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle”, “God gives you strength to get through it”. “All things God works for the good of those who love him”. Honestly it’s not as easy as it’s written. The pain, physically and emotionally, is too much to bear. When I read everyday another child dying from cancer, I am questioning God. How could God put a child through this suffering? What good could ever come out from this?
::: WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?
Why a 18 years old committed young Christian suffers and dies of cancer, while a drug dealer who preys on children lives to old age?
Why a devoted wife and a mother of two daughters, died from plane crash, while an abusive man who beats and rapes lives a good life?
Why, why, why, why?
Where is God?
What went wrong?
I wish I had a simple answer that could satisfy this questions. But, I do not.
If knowing, loving God has the ability to heal the sick and raise the dead, then why would this happen? Doesn’t that prove that God is not good, is not powerful, or is nonexistent?
Before I continue writing, I want to assure you that I firmly believe that God is real, heaven exists. This sharing is not meant to argue of God’s existence, nor argue our faith, but to emphasize my thought process that in the darkest dark there is the light, the way, the truth.
::: HUMAN MORAL FREEDOM
I believe in God and I recognize His limitation. He is limited in what He can do by human moral freedom.
Therefore I no longer hold God responsible for illness, accidents, and natural disasters. These misfortunes some are caused by bad people, some are caused by human error, and some are simply an inevitable consequence of our being human and being mortal. And God has reasons to allow it happens even if I dislike or do not understand then.
The most stunning instance of a bad thing happen to a good person is the death of Jesus, to accomplished the good of salvation.
It’s a skeptic believes that “do good, receive good; do bad, receive bad”. In fact, there is nothing like that in this broken world.
I was discussing with my husband about this broken and miserable human being. I said imagining you born in a war country and growing up only to fear and to see your friends and family died from bombs and guns, or you were sold as a slave which is still happening in some countries, or you simply can’t walk alone outdoor because then you’ll be raped and killed, many more unfortunate circumstances out there. My husband thinks that the world now is and will get better than many years ago, thanks to the technology, media and internet. However I see it’s still far from better, considering the nature selfish character of human.
The tragedy and misfortunes is not God’s will. Do I feel betrayed by God when I was diagnosed DIPG? No. By the grace of God, instead of choose hating and denying Him, I choose turn to Him for help and comfort.
When I think about my suffering, I see bad things, DIPG, which cause me to accept it willingly. A lot of times, we can’t avoid bad things, but to accept. But we are human, human are creative. I want to create, I want to live with meaning. Cancer has no meaning than just being a bad thing. I want my life, even though with cancer, has to have meaning.
So, bad thing has happened, what am I going to do about it?
::: GIVE LIFE A MEANING
Give it meaning. By live my life with love, instead of accusing and against life; by sharing my journey through social media to raise awareness and to share that it is possible to endure bad thing with grace: to be myself all time, to follow my destiny, and to realize what is the most important in life—love. I found out when I have purpose, it makes pain and disappointment more bearable.
Moreover, it’s important for me to trust His presence in all situations, up and down moments. In each moments, He would prevent me suffers, or He would let me suffers then deliver me, or He would deliver me through the suffering to His eternal kingdom. Whatever His will, trusting Him never ever forsake me, giving me sense of peace.
I know my presence on this earth is only transient and all of us will surely at some point pass away. I think a lot about dying and where am going after death. Really, this challenging my faith. Can I accept this truth? Do I believe there’s heaven? Do I love Heavenly Father and looking forward one day to be with Him?
I have nothing to fear where I am going, I have home in heaven. What I most fear is the journey getting there. I fear suffering and dying. The comfort for me is that my God and my husband are here holding me, and my family and friends supporting me. This gives me peace and strength to live my days.
::: GIVING UP MY WAY, NOT MY HOPE
I also have many down moments, when feeling so sick or sad or feeling hopeless. What I can do? Well, sometimes I can do nothing just to feel helpless, to let go of control, and to have patience.
To surrender, giving up my way but not giving up my hope. This subtly transforms “bad thing” into “meant to be”, and even in the darkness I will find the light. If I hadn’t experience sufferings in my life, including now DIPG, I would have never gone a journey of family reconciliation, a journey of true love, and also the sweetness of friendship.
Afterthought, bad things happen both to good people and to bad people. But it sounds unfair to good people. Unfortunately, that’s the fact, there’s nothing fair in this life, only in the skeptical thinking, otherwise there’s no pain and suffering.
We, not only us the patient, but also our spouse, our parents, our siblings, our children are affected by cancer/tumor, all of us are warriors. As a cancer warrior sometimes we are hopeful, hopeless, have strength, lost strength, have courage, discouraged, painful, painless, have faith, lose faith, angry, surrender, etc high and low. It took courage to show our vulnerability, don’t judge our weakness, but hug and hold more. Show love. This matters.
I read about a DIPG warrior who wish to find his other half. I wish him a miracle like I experienced my miracle, met my soulmate, my true love Tobias.
I read about parents outraged to see their little child diagnosed with DIPG and/or spouse devastated seeing their love one fighting cancer. I pray for more people who had same experience come strengthen them; for more friends surrounding them and showing care, listen more, and simply be there with them, so to ease their pain.
I read about DIPG patients dealing with painful symptoms and treatment, I pray for more people giving love, hug, attention, comfort, support, so they will never ever not even for one second feel alone; for the medicine is working to be pain free.
Conclusion, yes bad things do happens. But with your love and support, me and cancer warriors can transform it, so our life will still be meaningful and even painless.
Thank you for being there for us.
With love,
TM