One evening last week on the sofa:
Me: Tobi, are you aware of my limited time?
Tobias: Yes… and I’m scared. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Tobias: I am aware of the circumstances of dipg. There’s no magic pill to cure it. Your treatments now are to prolong your survival time with the highest possible quality of life.
::: TIME TO GET HONEST
There’s no magic pill.
There’s time I felt the Divine disconnected.
I am certain that some of us currently are in the season where we feel like God is not answering and recognizing our crisis:
Your own child may be dying;
Another person takes your job;
You have been single for too long;
You are addicted to…;
You are dying in bed;
Your wife is suffering in pain;
Your family is struggling for food;
Your children wander about and beg;
You desperately want a family;
You can’t bear a child;
Your husband is cheating;
Creditors seize all you have;
Others take advantage of your work;
You can’t pay for your healthcare;
You are homeless and dirty;
You cannot get a job;
You are poor;
You are being abused;
People talk lies about you;
You are struggling with hunger and thirst;
You are depressed and in despair;
You are crying for help,
but no kindness extends to you,
the world forgets about you.
There’s no end to this list.
This world and humanity is so screwed up!
As I write this, my thoughts and faith were again challenged. I have posted about why bad things happen to good people (http://titien.de/bad-things-happen-to-good-people/).
And today, I learned more, too.
In the past, as a believer I fell into illusion:
I followed Jesus, so He will make sure things go well certainly.
Well, turns out, it’s not always the case.
What a myth of religious fulfillment!
I figured out my experiences, and others, that this better-life sweet-candy illusion doesn’t seem to match.
I thought if God is with us, why are all these things happening to us? Where are all the wonders stories we have heard?
Truth is by following God, there is no guarantee our life is getting better!
I was then tempted, doubting God:
Why did I invite Jesus in the first place?
He abandoned me?
Maybe I better ditch my belief!
::: DE-CONSTRUCT EXPECTATIONS
I was deceived by a great expectation!
Be a good person, be a believer, then you’ll have a golden path to your dreams.
If you be a bad person, you’ll fall to a pit.
Then, reality took over, dashed my false hope to the ground, and I am sorely disappointed.
I assumed God’s role is to meet my needs and prevent anything bad ever happens to me.
But then, on my journey I learned the brutal truth:
God is not obliged to revolve in my life making sure everything is going better and easy!
My expectations are the problem.
God’s greatest priority is not to solve my problem!
His agenda is to shape the deep core of my character, my hope and trust.
Do not lose hope from adverse circumstances.
Keep hoping for God’s promise to come true.
His promise is this: He abides with me.
::: FAITH IS REASONABLE
Me: I’d like to hear your feedback on my last post.
Tobias: It’s very personal. However, for me it is difficult to grasp the religious part.
Me: Well, I can’t leave that part out. Because without God, there’s no story in my journey.
As I grew up and went through many ups and downs in life. I became bitter and I abandoned my belief. I didn’t want to know more about God.
Definition of FAITH by Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
1. -Allegiance to duty or a person: loyalty.
-Fidelity to one’s promises.
-Sincerity of intentions acted in good faith.
2. -Belief and trust in and loyalty to God.
-Belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion.
-Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.
3. Something that is believed especially with strong conviction.
Today, I am confident saying:
By grace, I live by faith.
No and never,
have I blindly believed because of my disease!
If I have no reason to believe, then I don’t believe.
Life is too precious just to believe without reason.
Life is too precious ignoring questions in our heart!
Faith and reason work together.
Back in June 2017 when I turned to God, it was not because I became ‘mental’ from brainstem cancer, and generated blind faith in my mind.
But, I trusted God because I experienced the reality of things I was hoping for.
One of many realities that is very clear to me, and all of you, is Tobias. I am not alone!
It’s a proof that God doesn’t allow me fighting alone beyond my strength. So I know in this battlefield with cancer, I will be ok. His love is unfailing.
Since I accept His grace, I have a series of evidence that I can’t deny my faith anymore, God is trust worthy.
So many proofs I have exposed to you in each of my stories.
::: FAITH IS A CHOICE
By faith, I can do what does not seem to make sense. I can forgive my offenders and my past. I experienced grace that enables me.
By faith, I claimed miracles. I could swallow and walk again. God blessed me through doctors and therapies.
By faith, I obeyed when I called to tell you that God loves you. I started writing my journey, though I don’t know how to write in English. God fulfills His purpose for me. I received much support and guidance from Tobias and friends.
By faith, I experienced being empowered, elevated and carried by a power that is not myself. I obtained God’s faithfulness with His promises, through friends and family support.
By faith I have calmed and quieted my soul. I considered He remembered me in my low state.
By faith, I do things I never thought I was capable of doing. I traveled a lot, finished months of German courses, made new friends. I have received God’s abundant gifts.
By faith, I am not ashamed showing my vulnerability. God discerns my thoughts and acknowledge my ways. He is always there to lead me.
By faith, my spirit uplifted and I gained courage. God comforted me through your feedback, comments and prayer on this blog.
By faith, I’ll praise the Lord, though there are things I can’t reason and promises I haven’t seen. His works are too big and wondrous for me to understand. I am humbled.
By faith, I sleep without stress, I feast, I love, I rejoice, I travel, I write, I live my life to the fullest…
By faith, when my strength is failing and my end draws near, I will have peace. The sovereign God has provided something new and better for me.
I learned that:
Faith is our behavior,
Faith begins with reason,
and is completed with faithful action,
Wherever our moments in faith,
if it’s a doubt, if it’s struggle and question, if it’s a step of obedience.
We all have a reason to trust,
an exact imprint:
Grace has given to us,
through Jesus Christ.
His life, death and resurrection,
is Father’s love commitment to us.
So we have eternal life with Him.
when we’re open our heart,
He who loves us,
will carry us through His words and presence.
“The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see.” Hebrews 11:1 MSG
“….And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”” Matthew 28:20b NIV
“So I never lose sight of your love, But keep in step with you, never missing a beat.” Psalm 26:3 MSG
“I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life.” Psalm 119:93 NIV
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.” Lamentations 3:22 NIV
::: UPDATE ABOUT ME
I completed re-irradiation 15x2gY.
Now it’s time to taper off dexamethasone slowly.
How I feel physically:
-Tingling pain/electrocuted feeling constantly on my left arm.
-Left arm and hand felt a bit numb. Always cold sometimes my skin turns blue.
-Right arm weakness
-Tingling pain on my left legs.
-Head pressure. Feels like a heavy stone sitting in your head.
-Neck pressure. Feels like a heavy rope attached tightly to your neck.
-Back stiffness. Feels like a wooden board attached to your back.
-Right face sometimes feels sensitive pain from eye-blink or from my hair straw touched my skin.
-Balance issue, so I walk and do things slow like a sloth queen.
But symptoms got better with radiotherapy, and the doctor said it would still improve in the coming days.
How I feel emotionally: Pharrell Happy 😊
End of this month, we will meet the doctor in Heidelberg to discuss possible chemo treatment for me.
Appreciate your prayer support 🙏