Where is miracle?

:: Gray in May

Early morning during breakfast, me and my husband were talking about world current affairs, which then led us discussing about life. He was suddenly so silent.
“What’s in your mind?”, I asked.
“It’s just not fair. This Dipg is unfair, to you…to me..to us..”,
“I want to be with you forever, but I don’t know with Dipg..a year…or months… This is unfair”, His eyes holding back tears.

My heart was so heavy to see the love of my life were hurt.
“Yes, it’s not fair to us. But ever since I knew you, my life was changed. I found the sense of belonging, I understand what is love, and everyday I am happy, you make me happy. This happiness, not everyone in their life have the chance experiencing it. What we have is special. I’m glad and no matter how long I’ll live, it’s worth it.”

That day, in the evening, I read a post on Facebook page that 3 beautiful little girls who I followed and grew fond of, died from Dipg in 24 hours.

Then, I remember other DIPG teenagers that I followed and contacted, some already gained their angel wings.

Dipg have taken so many lives, and let many innocent children suffering, many parents and loved one going through pain.

My heart hurts,
Deeply broken hearted 💔 
I can’t express this grieve.
But I know,
I can’t give up, not ever.
Warriors are not defeated!

May, is Brain Cancer Awareness Month. 
We go gray in May.
We are remembering those who are already in heaven;
We are fighting with Brain Cancer fighters by supporting and raising awareness;
We are hoping for the cure.


One thing came in my mind was “miracle”.
Days before I am writing this post, I was searching for answer of questions about miracle in my heart.

What is miracle? If miracle still happens today? Why God is not pouring Manna to poor region struggling with hunger? If faith healing is real? Why some people are healed and some are not?

To be honest, when I was thinking about this, my faith was challenged. If God is real? Why God seems unfair?

I was then looking into the non-believer and the believer perspectives on miracle and faith healing. I am searching the answers in the Bible and the Google.


Then, this afternoon, it became clear to me. This is my personal closure:
— What is miracle?

“An extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs” – Miriam Webster Dictionary

“Improbable but possible” – my husband

“Miracle is exist, it might not perform as we wish, it depends on how the receiver and others see it” – Ka yan (my bestie)

“That no testimony is sufficient to establish a miracle, unless the testimony be of such a kind, that its falsehood would be more miraculous, than the fact, which it endeavours to establish: And even in that case, there is a mutual destruction of arguments, and the superior only gives us an assurance suitable to that degree of force, which remains, after deducting the inferior.” – Hume’s famous ‘Maxis’

“Informally, the word “miracle” is often used to characterise any beneficial event that is statistically unlikely but not contrary to the laws of nature, such as surviving a natural disaster, or simply a “wonderful” occurrence, regardless of likelihood, such as a birth. Other such miracles might be: survival of an illness diagnosed as terminal, escaping a life-threatening situation or ‘beating the odds’. Some coincidences may be seen as miracles.” – Wikipedia

“For the record, stating that miracles can never occur is not a scientific statement. Science tells about what can be observed and repeated in a controlled experiment. Allegedly, if something cannot be observed in a controlled experiment, then it is not science. But does it necessarily follow that it is impossible? I submit “no,” it is merely highly improbable.” ILoveAtheism


My very personal opinion, miracles in principle are extraordinary. However, how to perceive it as miracle, it comes to quantitative and qualitative understanding.

In summer 2016, I came to Germany. Not only as a foreigner here, but I was also not believe in love and goodness in man. Then one evening in October 2016, me and Tobias met. We both knew that we’ve found each other. I found my true love and the right man I dreamed of. In April 2017, despite of my terminal illness, we’re married. Until today, I’m the happiest wife in the world. For me this is extraordinary! This is miracle!

In June 2017, I was staying in the Karlsruhe Klinikum, and it’s been more than 3 weeks I can’t swallow. On Friday, I was sent to Logopädie department to check my swallow ability.
“you can swallow! Take a sip of this milk”, said the examiner 
I was hesitated, but I told myself I should have faith like the examiner, that I can swallow.
I took a sip, tried to swallow, I choked.
We both a bit disappointed, he prescribed me more training and medicine.
Later that day, I was spending 2 hours trained myself swallowing 5 spoons of mashed potato.

The next day, on Saturday at 4am, I was dreaming of how loved I am, I was awake crying. My heart was touched by the Divine.

That morning, my husband picked me up to home to spend weekend. We were going lunch to chinese restaurant with my parents. It’s been awhile not eating real food, somehow I knew I can swallow again. I brave myself to eat a spoon of white rice. My parents and my husband were staring at me, concerned.
I chewed…it tastes delicious… 
I swallowed…I smiled. 
Second spoon, rice with sauce, chewed and swallowed and smiled.
More spoon of rice, ate faster, more smiles.
I am healed. I can swallow again!

Some may said this is coincidence, radiotherapy effective. But for me, less than 24 hours from prescribed with medicine to completely healed, was extraordinary! Wether it was my faith or radiotherapy, again a miracle has been performed!

I can write down many more miracles in my life during this difficult time.

I think the faith of miracle happens, can be analyzed from the outside, but it can be known only from the inside. It’s personal. That’s why some event for me is miracle, but for others it could be just ordinary coincidence.


— Then why there’s no Manna for the hunger? No healing for the sickness? No miracle means no God?

I want more closure and understand “when miracle we’re expecting does not happen”.

When prayer unanswered, when His divine help does not coming, when bad things happen, when faith does not bring healing, does it mean faith is nonsense?

“Miracles were never primarily intended to produce faith… “- Ash Lee (my bestie)

I read in the Bible that so many miracles were performed. Both in old and new testaments. From Moses divided Red Sea, the Jericho Walls fell after Joshua’s Israelite army marched around and blowing their trumpets, Jesus healed many, etc.

Although so many spectacular miracles performed, yet it’s never good enough to the produce faith of the people back then.

“Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭10:17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When I was in the hospital for two months, suffering from pain, limited physical abilities and temperature disorder. Honestly, at the time I didn’t really understand or even care to grasp what was going on. I was like “ok, I’m having deadly brainstem tumor grade IV, I could die in weeks or months. Or, miracle happens, I get healed completely”.

After radiotherapy finished, I was discharged from the hospital to home. Tumor is still there. I was hoping it’s gone. Then, me and my husband decided to take it day by day, not worrying much about tomorrow, but appreciate present.

I get a lot of people telling me to call on the healing power of Christ, or to go back closer to God, or to free my heart from hates, etc many judgments. Some have promised complete healing blessings.

Well, the physical complete healing has not come to me until today. But what I receive was something else. Not only fast recovery from limited physical abilities (standing, walking, swallowing), but more than that was emotional strength and spiritual healing.

I get this overwhelming feeling of peace, and worry just leave my mind, I am overload with happiness. There is no pill, no supplement, no diet that can do that.

I may be not ok physically, but emotionally and spiritually I am very ok.


So, to conclude, for me His words are spectacular, that I don’t need to wait for complete healing miracle to happen first to find peace. His words give me light and strength.

I found and I believe miracles in my life:
1. The unconditional love between me and my husband. 
2. The true friendship I have. 
3. My family reconciliation. 
4. I can write. This is not a cancer memoir though, but how I see life through my eyes. (Fyi, I never have proper English class, please forgive me for so many grammatical mistakes)
5. I love birds. Two wild blackbirds (female and male) coming into the balcony everyday.
6. I don’t have to struggle with stress and finances
7. Happiness
8. Without the power of prayer (so thankful for your prayer), I wouldn’t be ‘still’ alive today.
Many more to lists…

I can also see miracles in my friend’s life (although I’m not sure if they perceived it as ordinary or miraculously extraordinary).

I am sure there was, there is, there will be miracle, in my life and in your life.

“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job‬ ‭5:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Then Jesus began to denounce the towns in which most of his miracles had been performed, because they did not repent.” Matthew‬ ‭11:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”” John‬ ‭20:29‬ ‭NIV‬‬




This morning blood test result showed white blood count were still low. So Doctor injected me booster (to boost bone marrow producing white blood).

Next Monday I will go for blood test again, if white blood count increase to above 3 (normal reading 4-10), then I will get a green light to do the next round of chemo (CCNU 40mg, 1d/28d) on the following Wednesday.

This past few days, my belly where the PEG tube installed are inflame (skin opens and yellowish discharge), so it’s a bit painful when clean it with antiseptic. I don’t know why it’s inflamed, but it’s slightly getting better.

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