DO MY PRAYERS MATTER?

This season of my life,
and many young children
suffering and dying from DIPG,
cause me struggling,
cause my faith wavering.
My heart is asking and questioning,
wondering and pondering,
where’s Your healing hand, LORD?
If You are the good Father?
If You are the merciful God?
Are You really who You say You are?

Prayer,
become ardent.
You depict it in very optimistic teachings. 
You said ask-seek-knock,
and we will receive.
You said You are the good Father,
the loving, attentive, present Father,
who wants to be asked,
who is eager to give good things 
upon being asked. 

You said if 2-3 people gathered,
and ask in Your name,
we’ll receive it.
You said if we have faith 
as small as a mustard seed,
we can move a mountain,
and we can ask anything and trust,
we’ll receive it.

Then when I bring it to a realization,
it’s a blank check.
It doesn’t work for me very well.

…..

O LORD,
I struggled with this very deep.
This challenged me 
emotionally and intellectually.
I only knew a handful of Your followers,
that prayed for things,
and things come together.
But most of us,
we pray for long time,
and it seems to us that it never gets answered.

Does prayer work?
If You already know everything,
do I still need to pray fervently?
and then stay unanswered?
This leads me to a dead-end.
It’s like a tripple knockout.

……

Yet, in the midst of my frailty,
You don’t feel offended,
You don’t rebuke me.
Instead,
You give me enough grace,
You hear and see me,
You know where I am.
You captured in the palm of Your hand,
every single tear from my eyes.

You give me enough grace,
for me to wrestle through my faith.
My reality and circumstances,
my live has changed,
but You’re still who You always were 
yesterday, today, and forever more.

You give me enough grace,
when I slip in the building of my faith,
and questioning what I read in the Bible,
what I’ve heard preached in YouTube,
whether or not it’s true.

……

LORD,
help me to boil down,
my obstacles in my wrestling match with prayer,
but to trust You with all my heart.

You are the sovereign God,
not a genie that does magic,
not a Shakespeare that writes the whole script of my life,
not a miracle vending-machine that requires faith currency,
not a master-chess player that plays and outmaneuvers me.

You are the loving God,
who sacrifice Your only Son,
to save me, 
so I have eternal life with You.
You guide and shape me,
give me genuine freedom,
to make choices, mistakes and successes.
You choose to partner with me,
to work Your purposes in this world.

When my prayers 
seem like hitting the ceiling, 
when I cry out and remain unanswered,
I remember You, LORD Jesus,
kneeling in the Garden of Gethsemane,
in agonizing prayer, 
wrestling and asking the Heavenly Father: 
”Father, if you are willing, 
take this cup of suffering away from me. 
Yet not my will, but yours be done.”
Then, You suffered and died,
for a divine purpose,
that is for my salvation.
Your wisdom surpasses most impressive reaches of my understanding.

LORD JESUS,
You are Emanuel,
You went through the same experience,
the human fear and agony.
I may not know
how and when my prayer requests 
might find fruition.
I can only trust,
that You love and are commited to me, 
that You are good, all the time.

….

LORD, I pray,
and will always pray,
heal us!
Yet not our will, but Yours be done.
If our healing is not within Your will, 
please equip us and our loved ones 
with strength and fortitude, 
with peace and discernment,
to endure — 
through the pain, through the infirmity, 
even as fear drives us to our knees. 
May Your light illuminate 
our minds and hearts, 
carrying us toward You,
to know in our heart,
our end on this earth 
is by no means the end.

Amen.