“I love my spouse. I have affair”.
Today I share something other than my DIPG, because this morning I watched a TED-talks video posted by a friend on Facebook. And last night I was thinking about the same topic.
::: INFIDELITY / CHEATING IS NOT NORMAL
In this ted-talks, I agree with the meaning of infidelity, the act of it, that it begins in the heart and mind.
However, I disagree with the conclusion that cheating on one side bring hurt and betrayal, on the other side bring growth and self-discovery.
Growth and self discovery? I personally think It’s not the infidelity makes us grow. It’s the mindset, the moral compass, the choice we are going to make.
I also disagree to see the normality of cheating although it’s universally practiced. Because it’s simply not fine.
They came with many reasons why they cheat their spouse: to save their marriage, they feel alive with their affair, desire, physical need, emotional need, etc.
Before married, in the past relationships I’ve been cheated, and once I cheated. Things in common, those relationships I had, were not healthy (either the relationship itself or the morality of the person), and something is missing, but instead of find it together and fix it, we go alone. Surely cheated and been cheated leave only ugly wounds and scars.
So infidelity in marriage, what growth and normal sense in it? None.
::: INFIDELITY IS LIKE A CITY DESTROYED
Proverbs 6:32:33, “Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; he who does so destroys his own soul. Wounds and dishonor he will get, and his reproach will not be wiped away.”
Infidelity in marriage is like a crisis of a civil war, a city (a trust) destroyed. It takes time to restore the ruin, piece by piece, and this need people (husband, wife, kids) hand in hand, work hard to build it again, and sometimes also need support from surrounding (family, friends, community).
I disagree when TED-talk said infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. That it said twice repeatedly in the Bible: for doing it and for thinking about it.
I think it’s the other way around, and also in the Bible said deeper about marriage and fidelity:
– One of Ten Commandments said you shall not commit adultery.
– For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.
– Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have.
– Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife
– Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled.
::: SOME REBUILD SOME LEFT THE RUIN
Marriage is sacred. Yes, me and you are just human. Human made mistakes. But it doesn’t mean infidelity is a simple mistake and normal in marriage. However it doesn’t mean also the end.
There’s repentance and forgiveness. It’s a long long process to rebuild and relive failing marriage, takes both partner to help each other, to re-build trust, love and self-worth.
Some survive and rebuild.
Some left the ruin.
Some left, marry again, and destroy again.
Some left, happy in a relationship without marriage commitment.
Answering the theme of this TED-Talks: why cheating? Why happy people cheat?
I must ask back what is the definition of happy? If feeling happy is only a temporary emotion. Feeling is based on circumstances. Changing all times.
::: EVERYDAY’S CHOICE
Live a meaningful life, on the other hand comes from choices we make for ourselves and our spouses. Good vs right, good vs wrong, etc moral choices. Whatever choice we made always come with consequences.
To cheat or to have a meaningful relationship is our choice.
Look into my marriage, do I have doubts or worry?
I live with DIPG and it’s challenging our life. Honestly, yes! When I’m down I have this worry and jealousy, let negativity emerge. My face can’t hide it, and I’m bad in lying. My husband is a good profiler that immediately notice my face if am not happy and something is bothering me. We talk, we communicate. I choose to show him my vulnerability instead of my pride by talk it out. He choose to respect me by listen to my feelings, help me to understand, and do things to care my heart. We talk, we care. Yes, that simple.
To have someone genuine and faithful to us is a treasure. When something is missing, find it together. Love is not selfish. Say love, and show affection. It’s not complicated to keep things alive.
“There’s an imperfect woman came from far-away land and met an imperfect man. They both are stranger to each other, but their love decided to gave in and have each other. The woman, who since young were live overseas, finally in her life she felt home again and have the sense of belonging. They both made a perfect home. “ This is my marriage feels like for me.