It is beautiful Christmas season in Germany,
Christmas markets are full of sparkle of lights,
Party and mulled wine warm up the cold winter,
People are busy buying gifts,
Going home celebrating with their families.

At the same time my heart is melting with anxiety like a burning wax candle,
My strength trembles as I am facing the shadow of death in front of me.
Just after Christmas, I will do re-radiation.
Risky and dangerous, yet this is the only way to go.

I cried to my LORD,
to look into my distress,
to hear my cry for mercy,
to help and restore me.
Answer me my LORD, 
and show Your steadfast love.
Because I know,
You keep me as the apple of your eye.

I flicked through old photos of me on my phone,
I had flashbacks of my past,
Slide through slide,
all shows nothing,
only my soul chained in emptiness.

Oh how my LORD has turned my mourning into dancing,
He broke my chains, 
set me free, and
clothed me with gladness,
He has been my help,
He has brought up my soul from Sheol,
He restored a way for me to live.
Through my salvation,
great is His glory,
He make me most blessed,
my whole-being rejoices,
I dwell secure, and
He makes known to me:
The path of life, the meaning of life,
and the amazing love.

Tobias, my earthly Rock, my fortress,
shielding me and promised me,
that him and God will carry me.
Then my heart be strong and take courage.
Wait for the LORD.

My friends,
Our Prince of Peace,
He came and bring us victory,
He is gracious to us,
His goodness and mercy shall follow us,
all the days of our life.
Know we’re loved!
Experience the fullness of the good news!
Be strong and take courage!
Be glad and rejoice!


Midline pontine glioblastoma grade-IV (1 year 7 months post biopsy)

Today I went to hospital, did a CT-scan and mould a new mask for re-radiation after Christmas, still in this year.

I signed the protocol, it said the highest risks which might occur, and no guarantee for the outcome. But still we all hope for win-win, minimal side effects and best outcome.

It’s gonna be photon radiotherapy, 15 times, dose 30 gy. Earliest date I could start is on 27 December 2018.

At the same time my doctor can’t prescribe me with ONC201. So I may go with Avastin after radiation.

Meanwhile, I am taking dexamethasone daily since last week. It helped easing my symptoms, I speak clearer and feel not so weak. However, I feel my face getting a bit puffy. I hope the Cushing syndrome will stay away though.

Appreciate your prayer for miracle through this re-radiation. Thanks!


After I received devastating news, Good friends from Köln and Berlin rushed to me and spent weekend with me. I feel grateful for love surround me.
We went to Christmas market and enjoyed the street food. One of my fav: blonde hair pasta (aka schupfnudeln mit Sauerkraut)
Another fav Christmas food: grilled salmon (flammlachs). Why they sell this only in Christmas season!
Friends lighten up my days. When I see my Tobi, my family, and spending lovely time with good friends, made me want to fight to live longer, and keep my hope.
Radiotherapy Dept Team on the wall 😝
Coffee with former classmates of German language course. Beautiful Turkish ladies!
Going to Tobias Office Christmas party
We took selfie every evening on our couch
My daily action in the kitchen
Made by the best barista Tobias 😝 
Like this hot choco, we will keep full of hope, may our days always warm and sweet ❤️
Oh and… when life gives you leftover rice, make fried rice 🤓 Sunny side up makes it richer! Asian wife proverb 👩🏻‍🍳

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