LIFE IS A BATTLEFIELD

Unfortunately we are living on a battlefield, not a playground.

::: GOING THROUGH THE BATTLEFIELD

life is like a battlefield. 

We are being challenged, running, escaping, hiding, preparing to fight, fighting, regrouping, wounded and then tending to the next round. 

Like on a battlefield, the next round often gets harder. Watching others suffer, get wounded and die. Our heart can’t help to be hardened like steel.

I went through many battles in my life. I strike and defend myself, I run away and hide, I hurt others and talk lies to defend, I got scared of depression and shame, I was prisoned by trauma and abuse, and much more. 

That time, I feel like arrows were being shot at me by day and I went though terror by night. Things were falling apart, but I was good at denial, faking it as if I’m doing ok.

Sounds dramatic? Yes it is. Life indeed is dramatic.

After I finally found my love, Tobias in October 2016 and got engaged in December 2016, I thought finally I could rest from battle. But I was wrong. A month later, in early January 2017, I started having symptoms, and in March 2017 I was diagnosed with late-stage brainstem cancer. I am dying.

I got married in April 2017, and in May 2017 I started receiving series of radiotherapy and chemotherapy.

I entered the hardest battle ever in my life, pain and fear were attacking me,I was challenged physically and emotionally. My physical beauty is fleeting. My abilities are failing. I lost my pride. I have no weapon left and I was thrown to the ground. 

I thought this is it. This time game over.

But that moment ,I found out, something great and powerful carried me on.

It was shielding me, cleaning my wounds, healing me and fighting the battle for me.

In my weakness I surrendered, and just trusted and took refuge. 

It conquered my battle. Delivered me out to the other side, I became victorious.

This power has a name, LOVE.

::: VICTORY AND NOT EMPTY-HANDED

What are you facing in your battlefield?

A failing marriage, a disease that seems winning, being abused, losing a job, loneliness, disputes in the family, bankruptcy, depression, betrayal, shame, guilt …

I learned that on my battlefield, the highlight is not what is attacking me, but it’s about who is with me. 

I fight courageously, 

but then I learned to trust when I no longer can rely on my strength. 

I learned to trust love. To trust God who is love, and to trust my husband, family and friends loving me.

I come out victorious! 

Adding to that, I came out with a trophy and not with empty-hands!

I have countless blessings on my hand,which would take pages to list them all.

But the point is that I came out never as happy, as lively, as peaceful, as free like now.

This love humbled me. It softened my heart of steel. 

I no longer need to prove myself. I am save.

I never knew that my blessings would come in the form of life lessons.

Therefore, I started writing.

How eager I wanted to share with you my blessings, through telling you my personal experiences, so you can see the beauty of The Divine,

the goodness of the most faithful one,

the never failing LOVE,

And have confidence.

I wish from reading my story, you could feel encouraged and comforted, by seeing that whatever battle you’re fighting now, knowing for sure that you will come out victorious with abundant blessings on your hand. 

Even when you thought you’re defeated, in fact you’re not, because God will carry you on. We’re not alone in the battle, God is with us.

So then when we come out victorious. We’re so grateful and joyful that we want to share it with other fellows. 

Through our smile, kindness, empathy, prayer, financial support, song, work, impact, courage, peace, friendship, hope, whatever we do, we do it out of love.

We share with others what we have received through our battle.

We trust and surround ourselves with love and gratitude. Let your light shine on the heart of others. So they experiencing grace, too and feel overflowed with thanksgiving.

With love,

Titien 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”Romans 8:28 NIV

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”Romans 8:37 NIV

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”2 Corinthians 4:7-9 NIV

::: UPDATE ABOUT MY TREATMENT 

1 Year 7 Months Post Biopsy. Midline Pontine Glioblastoma (DIPG) Grade IV

Re-irradiation is still ongoing.

I did 5x of 15 rounds 2gy. 10 more to go.

So far no major side effects, only slight head pressure and intenser tingling pain with my left arm.

I keep taking dexamethasone 4mg each morning. It’s been three weeks already, and my face is starting to get rounder.

My symptoms are still the same: weakness on my right arm, difficulty to walk (balance issue), slight difficulty speaking, sensitive pain on my right face, squinting. 

I Appreciate your prayer and support for the best outcome of re-irradiation 🙏 Thanks 🤗

I never asked for having my own website. I don’t know how to do it nor make it happen. But then voila, I have it. Truly blessed, it was given beyond I could imagine. God is good. Thank you for loving me Tobias.
By Chef Tobi.
These days I feel tired from radiation, so time to indulge authentic German home cooking.
Linsen mit spätzle
A good friend, who inspired me by being a strong girl, visited us yesterday. She’s not a fan of German Food, but Tobias succeeded in changing her mind hehe.

11 Replies to “LIFE IS A BATTLEFIELD”

  1. Dearest Titien, thanks for share, miss you so much and miss to serve God with talented musician like you ..
    from surabaya with love, your twin sister :p

  2. Titien,

    Once again, I am inspired my your words-that are obviously from your heart. I am praying for healing for you. It is very evident to every single person you have touched, that your journey is far from over. God is using you in many ways. Keep up the good fight. Thank you for reminding us that God loves us uncondiotionally-right where we are. He meets us, right where we are.

    Have a good day, sweet Titien.

    1. Hello Heidi,
      Thanks for always leave uplifting comments for me.
      It meant a lot to me, I feel supported and encouraged by you.
      Yes I will continue writing, telling all the blessings God pour to me 🙂
      Have a good day too Heidi! Hugs!

  3. Dear Titien,

    I stumbled upon your brand new Christmas present web site accidentally when spotting your husband’s post on scienceblogs, announcing his departure from from said site for comprehensible reasons. Intrigued by his post and curious about his weitergen blog and the person behind it, I checked out his “about the author” page, headlined with a photo of a happy loving couple. And even his wife seemingly is engaged in a blog by herself, with her name linking to this very site.
    Curious about what you had to say and share, I followed the link, not sure what I was expecting. But I was definitely not expecting this. An even happier couple in front of a beautiful green tropical landscape – but in harsh contrast to the harmony reflected in the photo, subtitled with the inconceivable “My life journey with brainstem cancer”. I spent hours reading through all of it in reverse order, yesterday and today.
    I can only remotely fathom the pain and emotions from setbacks you have endured and still endure. I don’t consider myself being a very emotional person. Reading through your blog, I cried.
    Becoming aware about the details of your condition, your struggle and combat, your future prospects, I felt a deep sadness inside me.
    But more than tears, I smiled throughout reading your posts. For one: Smiling indeed is contagious and you show it often on your photos, even in your not so well moments. But even more for the feeling of love and hope you convey throughout most of your posts. Outlining and emphasizing love as the essence of life, which was merely an abstract construct to me so far. Common knowledge for generations of human existence, but your are the one that made it all tangible for me. The unconditional love you share with Tobias and the loving support by your friends shines through in your your words. And the way you express yourself, your humor, ironic self reflection make my smiles even wider.

    I admit I’m not a biblical individual or even a solid believer. I don’t pray. Today I prayed, for you. And will continue to do so. For strength, for getting better, for a successful second radiation treatment, for a miracle.
    With sharing your thoughts, you touch everyone’s heart in the best way possible. You made me reflect and consider changes.

    Thank you so much Titien.
    Holger

    1. Hello Holger,
      reading your comment brought joyful tears to my eyes.
      I could feel your genuine heart embracing me, as if you are here tapping my shoulder, and assuring me that you’re supporting me.

      Thank you for reading my stories,
      I’m very glad that it brought a smile to you!
      Cos’ that’s my goal, that my stories bring joy and hope to the reader.

      Thank you Holger for being so honest and open.
      Your prayer meant a lot to me.
      You made me smile 🙂

      Blessings, Titien

      1. Hi Titien,
        YES!!! I really laughed in that very moment when I read that and thought to myself “You are kidding me! Why would you give a plant MY name?!” and humorously wanted to point that out in my comment but it slipped my mind when I finally wrote down my thoughts.
        Ultimately, I feel honored and amused sharing my name with a bell pepper plant in disguise, grown from the the moist depths of your sink. Good things can come from places you would never expect 😀

        I am really really happy my words had warming and cheering impact on you – and yes, joy and hope is the lasting impression of your stories. But they also trigger self-reflection in the reader, at least for me they did, and motivation to change some aspects about myself.

        I couldn’t help but notice your already good English improved even more over the course of your stories. Did you also participate in some secret English author’s course besides your German class? 😉

        Again, all the best and a lot of strength for your tough radiation treatment.

        Holger

        1. New definition for name Holger: someone who brings your life to another level haha.

          My writing improved because I have a grammar police patrolling at home. The best editor ever, WeiterGen Tobias.

          Stay hot and spicy Holger!
          Have a great weekend!

          Titien

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