Hello, this is just a short update on how things are going. I am not sure I should keep writing here, after all, this is Titien’s blog and now it is only about me. Anyway, I am doing ok. I moved houses and it feels like home already. I am back at work and I get things done, I am functioning.
I lack motivation. Often, I spend my evenings in my new flat just lying on the sofa, mindlessly starring at the screen of mobile phone, not being able to read, watch or listen to anything that would require my concentration for more than a few minutes. I have not been out on my road bike for over two months. I managed to go for ride on Sunday. My thighs hurt. That’s a start.
I meet with my grieving counsellor once every three weeks. We go for walks, wearing masks and keeping our distance. It is very helpful and hard at the same time to talk abut Titien and also to talk about me. I still talk with Titien’s brother almost every day.
I am very lucky that Titien and me have kind, empathic, understanding friends. They listen and they understand that there is no need for advice or for a solution or a way out of my current situation. I am sad and I want to be sad.
Titien is buried at the place where I grew up. It is a 100 km drive from where I live. I visit the tree where her ashes lie every two weeks or so. The last time I went, was the first time I actually went there alone, without friends. It felt good to be there by myself. In a strange way, it feels comforting to know that one day, I will be lying there, right next to her.
I don’t need to visit the tree to remember her, though. I continue to meditate and often, after my daily mindfulness-session, I just stay put and think of her. I remember a photo or a situation with her and my mind takes me from there. I talk to her, then she is very close to me.
I remember her in times before her health deteriorated. For example, one year ago today, we were flying to Barcelona (one of probably a dozen times). We stayed in a wonderful rural hotel an hour into the Catalan hinterland. I gave a workshop there and Titien had a beautiful view for a few days. This is what she wrote back then:
thanks for walking with me.
I hope you’re living your life,
always be joyful,
and no matter what happens,
pray all the time,
and give thanks in everything,
because you have the living hope,
and that hope has won.