Dear fellow ladies,
For long time I wanted to write about this topic, even before I started writing about my disease. I wanted to share with you my personal experience as a woman.
I will expose my past, describing my lesson learned, hoping that my story will encourage you, and – most importantly – as a reminder of who we are as women.
::: WE ARE A PRODUCT OF A MIRACLE
One night in 2014 I was in a hotel room somewhere in China and had a phone conversation with my best friend Kayan.
I was depressed, betrayed by boyfriend and friend, felt very unhappy and was even considering suicide.
Me: I don’t want to live anymore.
Kayan: Don’t be silly!
Me: … it hurts that I cannot feel anything but bitterness. Every single thing in life is against me.
Kayan: … Hmm..what do you think how your mom would feel? You told me how strong she is. How would she feel finding out you are giving up your life while she dedicated her life to you?
Kayan: Titien… you are a product of a miracle.
That was the last night I ever thought of taking my own life. Since then not anymore.
A product of a miracle.
Yes, I am and you are, too.
It is very improbable for us to be ‘successfully’ made in our mother’s womb.
Scientists estimate the probability of us being born at about one in 400 trillion. Not only that, our living body has billions of neurons and it functions with a heartbeat, breathing the air that is free for us. Fascinating facts, aren’t they?
Being born is an event so unlikely, it is almost impossible. By that alone, it is proven that you and me are miracles.
Ladies, you are a miracle!
Now go forth, and feel, and act like the miracle that you are.
::: KNOW OUR IDENTITY
Our identity is not defined by our profession, nor by our looks, nor by our body weight, nor by our material possessions, nor by our achievements and not by failure.
Since being a teenager and until 2 years ago, I wasted my life hating my body. I spent years trying to have the body I want. I wanted to be more skinny, but I couldn’t. I am not overweight, yet I still was not feeling great about myself, was always feeling not enough.
I tried from A to Z different diets, signed up to an expensive gym which I attended only the few first rounds and got lazy. I felt frustrated about my body.
Unsatisfied with own body, It was just one of many bigger issues:
- I couldn’t say “no” to others,
- I allowed others to disrespect me,
- I was unhappy at my workplace,
- I tried to please others,
- I feared of what people may think or see or say about me,
- I gave power to others to control my emotions,
- I searched for validation on social media,
- I craved acceptance by men,
- I felt guilty for my weakness,
- I felt shame for mistakes and unfulfilled goals,
- I had many more unhealthy habits,
- I had unhappy thoughts,
- and I had many other confusing insecurities.
It sounds pathetic to hear well educated me, with great future prospects, beautiful me, financially stable me, feeling so insecure.
But I believe this is a common issue for many ladies out there, who are more fortunate or less fortunate than me.
Sad reality is that the society where we live in, never stops trying to steal our identity, our honor, and corner us to feel worthless.
Today, despite losing much of my physical beauty to cancer, instead of feeling in despair, I am feeling secure and great!
Ladies, I changed.
My confidence no more relies on flesh and things that can be seen and be boasted of.
The lost assets I thought were so important, became my gain to the incomparable fellowship with the Divine, my LORD.
In my stories, I share bits and pieces of my journey living with cancer, but behind the scene, oh I experienced a lot more amazing and lovely things that I tried to show to you vividly through my limited words, what God has done to my soul.
So, the lesson I learned was:
For me as a women to feel enough and satisfied, to feel great, the key is to know my identity.
My identity is: I am the daughter of the sovereign God.
Once I understood this, I understand that I am worthy. Tattooed in my heart!
I am worthy.
This changes everything. This changes the way I see myself, making the right choices for myself, responsible for my heart and wellbeing, living full of honor. It also then changes the way I see others, and how I say and act.
we live in a battlefield, that is hard and unfair,
full of suppression and oppression, full of lies and hypocrisy,
trying to destroy us and confuse us,
to make us feel unworthy and unloved.
But know the truth,
we are crowned, by the living God Himself who loves us,
as the daughter of the Almighty,
we are worthy and full of honor,
nothing could take this from us.
hold fast on your identity and rejoice!
This is only the beginning, for you to bloom, to live with purpose, to live to the fullest!
(To be continued – to PART 2)
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.” 1 John 3:1 NIV
“The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” Romans 8:16 NIV
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV
::: UPDATE ABOUT MY TREATMENT
1 Year 8 Months Post Biopsy
Brainstem Midline Pontine Glioblastoma (DIPG) Stage-IV
I did 8x rounds of re-radiation, 7 more to go.
My head pressure worsened, so I increased dexamethasone to 6mg in the morning.
Feeling of head pressure is like having a heavy rock sitting in your head, a thick rope strangling your neck. My neck and back are stiff, as if there’s a wooden board attached on my back.
So far, no pain and no headache. Alles gut 👍🙂
Appreciate your prayers 🙏❤️☺️