I met Yuna, my 2.5 years old niece, for the first time in August 2018 in China. She looks like me when I was little. She is incredibly sweet, and has so much energy around her little selfish well.
Whenever her parents said “Yuna, stop and please come back here”!
She’s just running, jumping and climbing around.
Sometimes she’ll slow down and look at them, sometimes she won’t even bother to slow down!
So, when we walk around the neighbourhood, or in the shopping mall,
she just runs everywhere.
She likes to see a dog, or another kid, or a bike,
anything that grabs her attention.
Then she’s just on it alone.
Her parents need to keep watching her,
like a rescue team everyday.
They have a good will for her,
keep her safe and bring her to things that attract her,
but Yuna thought they want to stop her.
::: RUNNING FROM LIFE
Running is easier than staying and facing our discomfort,
our past, fears, sorrows, disappointment.
We may escape,
by playing games,
by immersing ourselves in social media,
by drowning in work,
by bingeing food,
by indulging in alcohol,
by running from home,
by migrating and start afresh.
Running away from life is a kind of a defense mechanism.
Our ego is trying to protect ourself from something.
Except that it really isn’t.
Not only running from life,
we’re also running away from God.
It’s easy to be a religious person,
but when there are glaring area of our lives,
where we know we’re being called to change,
When our life is being challenged,
we are booking our ticket to Timbuktu.
Because of our circumstances,
we behave in ways that make the most sense to us.
We and God have a competing vision
about what the good life is.
Irony is we think we’re running for our life,
tragedy is we are running from our life.
We are missing the chance to experience the grace,
because we won’t give up our little vision of good life.
::: CONFINED AND TRAPPED
This morning I weight myself and was sad.
Me: Tobi…my weight keeps rocketing, now it reached almost 58 kgs. Not fat, but I used to have a slim figure. My weight was always stable 52 kgs in the past 20 years.
(This triggers me feeling despair from other symptoms: my changing looks, my right arm feels more sour and weaker, double vision, head pressure, etc. things not getting better. I am tired. I cried)
Tobias: You’re beautiful inside and outside. I always see you the same. Lets put the balance in the cellar.
I’ll never forget
the day I was diagnosed with DIPG,
the day of bad news such as tumour progression.
A visceral experience
of having no resource to save myself.
When things suddenly catch up,
when suddenly I was at the bottom,
can’t go any further,
I was confined and trapped,
feels like I was banished.
These seasons of hardship,
suffering, pain, confusion,
are not a mess of my own making,
are not because of someone else’s foolishness
that spilled over into my life,
are no reason that I can discern,
just my life has fallen apart.
It’s just a tragedy that hit.
This made me cry out for help to God.
I’m not ashamed,
because I have nothing left.
This moment of death,
became the moment of new birth.
In these times of dark confined spaces,
God of mercy has been chasing me the whole time.
He’s right here,
He’s closest and most involved in attendance.
Yes, God allowed me to experience the incurable DIPG.
A hard pill to swallow.
God is not the genie in the bottle,
He didn’t take out my cancer and gave me a smooth passage.
But, He is dealing me severe mercy.
I discovered the truth of who I am and who God is.
He also sent me my husband.
I’m not the captain of my ship.
But God is.
I am at the brink of death.
So I know what’s the most important in life,
I know where I’m going to end up.
So the only thing I have going for me,
is the fact that God is committed to me,
redeeming my life.
This is the best experience in my life,
my creator has turned to mercy,
grace and faithfulness.
My life doesn’t belong to me anymore,
His love is the reason I exist in the first place.
::: SURRENDER TO GOD & BE FREE
No matter where we run away,
eventually we’ll grow weary,
eventually we have to come down,
to confront our personal limits.
Look unto Jesus,
He lived and died,
to absorb the cumulative waves
of the horrible decisions that we made
when we run from life.
He conquered the grave,
so He can offer us an abundant life,
that is rooted in His love.
This is being a Christ’ follower,
to let go what is our vision about life,
and let Him speak true eternal life to us.
To live a life truly liberated,
a life no longer running or hiding from something,
a life of courage and bravery,
a life of truth, authenticity and honesty to everyone,
a life of integrity and honesty to ourself.
A victorious life.
I can’t tell what God is doing in the scenario in your life.
But what I know is nothing is beyond
God’s redemptive reach,
to use as an opportunity,
to shape you in a deep way,
into the image of Christ,
to show you His unfailing love,
great mercy and grace.
“I went far down in the water. I went down to the ground. I could not go any deeper. I did not know how I would ever come up again. But you brought me up from the deep hole. You are my LORD, my God. While I was dying, I remembered you, LORD. I prayed. And you heard me in the place where I can worship you.” Jonah 2:6-7 EASY
::: UPDATE ABOUT ME
1 Year 10 Months Post Biopsy
Midline Pontine Glioblastoma/DIPG Grade IV
This week my right arm is getting more sour and weaker.🙁
My weight is keep rocketing since I am taking dexamethasone. I was 51 kgs in December 2018, now 58 kgs.
Last Wednesday I have received the 3rd round of Avastin Chemo. By the way, the insurance company rejected my claim on avastin. So we disputed their denial and now waiting for their response.🧐
My next MRI will be on 21 March.
My parents are here for 2 weeks already. Oh how the time flies.
I am very happy and enjoy every moment with them 👨👩👧❤😊
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