When it comes to coriander or cilantro, there’s no denying it, this herb splits people into two camps – love or hate.
Today I will share about a thing that is even more polarizing than coriander. It might be divisive, too, why?
Enter: My belief. Journey of my faith.
::: THE WORLD DOESNT REVOLVES AROUND ME
The first time I was exposed to Christianity was in 2001 when I was studying in China. I heard the stories of the Gospel and seeing many Chinese turning themselves to Christ blew my mind. I got baptized.
In the beginning, I invited God into my life, assuming He would help me with my deal: give me success, help me have family and good friends, a healthy body, that my life would get better. A simple, basic terms relationship with God.
Meanwhile, I tried to obey the laws commanded in the Bible. Of course, I failed.
Then, my prayers weren’t answered and things started falling apart in my personal life. Of course, I felt betrayed and I ticked God off.
I was living in full of fear, doubt and confusion. Questioning God why bad things happened to me, why he abandoned me.
::: TESTING GOD
I tried to prove God and prove myself.
If I am the beloved,
why am I in the midst of hardship?
I started doubting and defining God.
My identity was tested.
If God is my refuge,
why is my private life falling apart?
I wanted God to perform tricks.
I tested God to prove His love.
If Jesus Messiah is the Savior,
why did Messiah die?
Messiah was supposed to kick butt!
A dead Messiah is a failed Messiah.
My destiny was tested.
I stopped engaging with spiritual communities,
small moral compromises began piling up,
I brushed off people who I love and tried to help me,
I was going off the deep end.
I stopped listening,
the good news couldn’t penetrate my heart.
I became less myself,
but became more obsessed,
with items of vainly.
I became what I worshiped,
I became worthless.
I did things I imagined I would not be capable of doing.
I was going down that road.
My heart became numb to God’s grace,
I ignored the warnings.
It took years for me to finally understood who God is. Until in 2017, diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, I realized how truly loved I am. I now view myself as being blessed and happier than when I was healthy. I hope you, too realize how amazing God’s love is for you.
the Bible is not a 101 book,
to answer questions about the world.
It purpose is to tell about God’s commitment of love,
and lead a path toward eternal life.
life is more than health and wealth,
more than circumstances,
it’s about purpose and meaning,
having a loving relationship
with the Author of Life,
to know and to be known,
to love and to be loved,
to fully flourish as a human being.
to trust the Creator of Life,
I don’t need Him to perform tricks.
My health and days left here are His to determine.
I’m not going to test the Almighty .
it’s Jesus’ decision and loyalty to Father that He revealed to me.
by giving up His life.
This is the victory.
This is His kingdom.
::: KNOWN TO THE HOLY PRESENCE
How I got there?
One morning while it was still dark,
lying in the hospital bed.
The divine presence of the Author of Life,
My soul witnessed the embodiment of purity, power, beauty,
truth, justice, goodness,
perfection, holy and transcendent,
full of glory.
I felt small and frail.
The timeline of my life
all of a sudden becomes just a speck.
His holiness confronted me,
I felt incinerated and destroyed,
I was terrified,
but then grace stepped in,
I felt so loved,
like never before.
My guilt and fears were taken away
I was healed and felt transformed.
I felt free and renewed.
I felt whole.
The Almighty called me “my daughter”,
I experienced Holy Love.
::: JESUS IS THE SIGN
Me and Tobias say that we love each other many times in one day. One of our fun-sweet-talks:
Me: Why do you love me?
Tobias: because you’re the best.
Me: why I’m the best?
Tobias: because I love you.
It repeats again and we laughed.
Same with my relationship with Messianic King.
Jesus Christ loves me, so He died for me.
Jesus Christ died for me, because He loves me.
This love is not abstract.
Jesus’ life, death and resurrection,
is the symbol and sign.
The atoning sacrifice,
His life covering our life,
to show us,
God’s righteousness and mercy,
to remind us of,
God’s faithfulness and love.
::: FOLLOW HIM
I no longer frame Jesus as a vending machine with spiritual choices.
I no longer try to pull myself up and have enough faith coins, so then Jesus will dispense His power.
This false frame of mind, disappointing.
Jesus is not a vending machine nor a genie in the bottle.
the truth speaks,
and grace shapes me.
Faith is not a mental activity,
Faith is what I do,
I know what I believe by how I live.
This is what it means for me
to be a Jesus’ follower:
To trust in the generous love of God,
to love God and to love people,
to devote my life,
in sharing that He loves me and you.
::: SINGING HEAD
Our alarm rings at 7 o’clock.
Tobias: Have you been awake for long time?
Me: I was awake since 5 am, as always.
Tobias: Since five? What were you thinking?
Me: I wasn’t thinking. My head was singing.
Tobias: Your head was singing? What songs?
Me: Songs of Praise and Worship
I am conscious,
the invisible attributes of the Almighty,
His eternal love and divine power.
By grace, I perceived.
So I can’t deny,
I have no excuse,
but to give honor and give thanks.
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”
1 John 4:7-12 ESV
“And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, so that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live.”
Deuteronomy 30:6 ESV
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”
Romans 15:13 ESV
::: UPDATE ABOUT ME
1 Year 9 Months Post Biopsy, Midline Pontine Glioblastoma/ DIPG Grade IV
In one week, my physical function deteriorated quite fast:
– I can’t hold a spoon with my right hand anymore, it is difficult to type on my phone.
– I have difficulty speaking and my voice sounds mumbled
– I have difficulty walking
– My right side feels weak
Emotionally these days I felt sad, because of my physical condition. But, I knew this is temporary, I will feel happy again.
I am still waiting for the avastin chemo. Maybe it will start next week.
Today I am back taking dexamethasone again to ease symptoms. Hope it’s going to help.
I appreciate your continued prayer support 🙏
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