I finally finished my German language course B1, and took the Deutsch-Test für Zuwanderer (DTZ). The result will be announced next month.
Most interesting was the oral exam. It took half a day, because they test only 2 students per session, 15 minutes per student. So here I am, in the exam room only with one classmate and 2 examiners.
::: WHO ARE YOU?
“Who are you”, asked one of the examiner.
I tried to collect points by telling them my name, where I come from, why I came to Germany, what was my profession, what are my hobbies, etc.
Meanwhile in my heart, this question have much deeper meaning. After the exam, I had a flashback to 1.5 years ago, when I was lying in my hospital bed, weak. That time, I raised the same question to myself, who am I.
Being ill suddenly with late stage brainstem cancer, I asked myself: “What am I going to do?”.
My title, my profession seemed no longer to be important. My failure, my shame seemed no longer to matter. Just when I was about to give up and let the situation carry me away, one early morning, while it was still dark and quiet, suddenly some form of power was breaking my heart. It was feeling loved. I saw slideshows of me as a kid until today in this hospital bed, in this personal moment, I was crying and I was overwhelmed by how loved I am. Then, I found the answer to my question, the answer that changed my life since then: I am the child of God.
::: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?
“Are you working?”, asked the examiner.
“At the moment, I’m not working”, I answered.
“What would you like to be?”, she asked.
“I want to be a book author, maybe. Currently I’m writing a blog about myself and about my life”.
1.5 years ago, I woke up from the biopsy of my brain stem tumour. This operation had left me with constantly tingling pain in my left arm, was not able to swallow for some weeks. I still have limited eye movement, I wasn’t able to walk, was stuttering and drooling and my hair was falling out. I was scared.
Struggling in this painful situation, I knew that I was losing what I want to be, a successful consultant, or a director of a company in Germany. “I’m disabled, I’m ugly, nothing valuable is left of me”, said my inner voice in despair. I held the belief that being known by appearance, by title and occupation brings value.
But, in the moment when I knew who I truly am, this perspective of “what” I’d like to be, changed to “who” I want to be. That is to be me who fulfils the promises God created me to be. Titien, who fully expresses humanity and excellence.
Since that day I had my vision and direction to go. I felt no longer lost. My story is not anymore about title and appearance, nor about acceptance from others, but my story is about purpose and meaning, that is to give what I receive — to serve and love others, to let others experience what I experienced: A blessed life.
This makes me feel alive.
::: WHAT IS YOUR LONG TERM PLAN
“What’s your long term plan?”, the examiner asked me.
“I have no long term plan, because I live in the here and now. Honestly, I live my life well, and I’m happy.” I answered.
Currently I don’t think about the profession I want to have in long run. But, I know what I want to do right here right now.
To do the right thing and to show love.
My life is so blessed and so sweet, even though I went through many storms, and live with a tumour in my brainstem. I was scared many times, but I came out ok.
I want to live the rest of my days to encourage you that whatever circumstances you are in, whatever doubts you may have, don’t lose hope, keep holding on to your faith, keep moving on, knowing that storms shall pass, and grace and glory will follow you, and all things are possible. For you to take courage.
I will live my days being authentic, being honest and empathetic. Simply because I learned this and it’s my turn to show others too. And simply because it brings peace.
::: ANY DIFFICULTY LIVING HERE?
“What is the most difficult thing you’re facing in Germany?”, was a follow up question in my exam.
“To be understood”, was my simple answer.
A friend of mine was recently sentenced with lung cancer, struggling with the side effects of chemo treatment. She received many negative and insensitive comments and asked me why some people don’t understand what she is going through.
People are not always happy for us. People don’t always try to understand us. When I was sentenced with brainstem cancer, some said that it’s karma or punishment from God. Today, some people still avoided me because of my crooked eyes thinking that I look weird or ugly, some people harshly reject me when I am asking simple question, like for direction. Some people even yelled at me.
My friend, don’t let this kind of people be playing with our emotions. We need to stay away from those who don’t want the best for us. Surround us with family and friends that bring out the best in us.
At the end, I hope that you do what makes you alive, doing good to others, using your words, using your job, using your song, using your knowledge and much more. I believe, you’ll have a beautiful and meaningful life.
::: Update about me
75 Weeks Post Biopsy (1 Year 5 Months)
Brainstem Midline Pontine Glioblastoma(DIPG) Grade 4
My symptoms changed a bit. I had few days pulsing pain in my head, thank God it’s gone now.
Pain on my right face slightly more intense.
I had heavy menstrual period 2x in September only 5 days clear in between. And I missed my period this month.
Next meeting with my oncologist will be on November 7. I will report this and we will also discuss the possibility to have a break for awhile from chemo treatment, because I had more than 6 cycle of CCNU chemo already.
Please keeping me in your prayers 🙏
Thanks a lot 😘