Is it true that God gives and takes away?
::: Mom’s 62th Birthday
8 May 2018— Happy birthday to my lovely Mama 😘
I am very lucky to have the best mom in the world:
My mom does not wear make up but she is so beautiful outside and inside;
She is a simple person but yet full of wisdom;
She wears no gold nor diamond, but kindness and meekness;
She is a giver, a carer, a peace maker;
She knows no harm no hate, but forgiveness and love;
She won’t judge but full of compassion;
She put her family first, especially her children;
She shows love, warmth and smiles;
She’s humble yet she’s the strongest and the bravest woman I ever know;
She’s my hero, my wonderful mother.
Thank you for everything you have done in my life mom. I love you so much ❤️
Also, happy Mother’s day in advance to all mothers 😘
::: Gift and loss
One early morning in March 2017,
“Tobi…, it’s positive”, I cried excitedly.
“Hoam..sorry Honig what’re you saying?” my husband was half awake
“It’s positive..I’m pregnant..”, I showed him the stick
My husband suddenly jumped out the bed in excitement and hugged me.
We both overflowed with joy.
Not long after that, I was diagnosed with brainstem tumor/ DIPG. Doctors advised us to make a decision if we want to choose the treatment or the baby.
“I choose you! You have to promise me that you will take care of you first!”, said my husband at Tübingen Klinikum.
I was in silent, hoping all of this just a nightmare and not real.
I went through examinations, each time I was sorry and worry about my baby for all the chemical contrast I had to take, though doctors said it’s in lesser dose. I grew feelings with my unborn baby. I was considering delaying my treatment.
Then one day I had blood spots, and I knew something went wrong. The following day we went to the gynecologist, and the doctor confirmed that there’s no heartbeat in my 8 weeks pregnancy. I had miscarriage.
I share this not to get sympathy. But to speak it out. Because I know that so many women grieve for their pregnancy loss. I know how it feels, I know the pain, I loss a baby too.
I dreamed to become a mother. Especially when everything is in place, I married the love of my life, we’re so in love and so ready to have a small family.
Meanwhile friends surround me are getting pregnant and babies coming. The topic of discussion is always about pregnancy and baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am very very happy and grateful for all of my friends. There’s no jealousy nor envy. It just, at the same time, sometimes I feel sad, because I feel reminded that I can’t get pregnant now.
Some women can’t bear children because of infertility, injuries, illness, and unknown reason.
If you experienced pregnancy loss, or if you are not able to bear a child, I wish I could just sit next to you and hug you. I understand your feeling.
That time of grieving, while me asking God why this happens to me and my husband, I got some insensitive comments like this:
– It’s good that you have miscarriage now, so you don’t have to worry about your treatment
– You can get pregnant again next time
– You will move on
– God gives and takes away. May the name of the Lord be praised.
– It’s God’s plan
– Everything happens for a reason
A friend of mine who were also experienced miscarriage was blaming herself for quite a while that it was the karma of abortion she did.
Miscarriage happens not because of our fault, not because of karma and not because God take away.
Insensitive comments (intentionally and because of don’t know what to say) hurt me and my friend, hurt a lot of women. We’re grieving in silence.
::: Is it true that God gives and takes away?
During my 2 months stayed in the hospital, I experienced things that change my perspective on many things, including my perspective on God.
A lady came visit me and gave me a book. The first page it wrote:
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”-John 10:10
Everyday this verse was strengthening me during my 6 weeks radiation treatment in the hospital. My physical condition was deteriorating, but I was also renewed in many aspects. I experienced many miracles as I shared on my previous post.
When unexplainable disaster happens, we wanted to blame on something, on the Almighty, and we create the sadistic view to release our anger and pain.
If we lose our job, did God take it away?
If a woman is raped, did God take this away from her?
For the little child who is murdered, did God take them away?
Well, in my journey, I’ve learned that God is not an unjust sadist, but I found that He is good. He gives and doesn’t take away. He didn’t kill your child, nor He made me sick. He’s not behind our suffering.
If we think that God gives and takes away, we’ve missed the point of Jesus, of our faith and of His love.
If we think God gives and takes away, we have more faith in karma than grace. Karma says what goes around comes around. But grace is unconditional.
Things that He takes away from me is my sin, my shame, my sickness, my worries, and my fears.
Thing that He gives me is the fullness of life. It doesn’t mean I am free from Dipg now, but I could live my life and feel content.
::: There’s no such thing as moving on
In bed before sleep, something troubled my heart, and I can’t hide it anymore.
“I want to grow old with you. But if my time comes, and if one day you meet again someone who makes you happy, I want you to know that you get my blessings”, I said
I knew this sentence hurt us both, but I need to speak it out.
“If you are not here anymore, I also want you to know that I will always love you, I will never ever forget you. You will always in my heart with me, accompany me. I will tell your story and our love story”, my husband cried
When someone we love dies, there’s no such thing as moving on.
Grieve is like fear, it makes us feel alone, damaged and scared. Denying is not a solution.
I don’t understand why we should move on and get over it.
Is that person we love not really matter?
We shouldn’t miss that person anymore?
We’re not allowed continue loving the person who we miss?
We shouldn’t talk about our loved one who died?
Is this what the people we love deserve? To be forgotten?
We are all going to die at some point. We have no choice.
Do we want to be forgotten?
Do we want people telling our loved ones to forget us and get over us?
I don’t. I do want people who love me to remember our love and our relationship to fill them with joy and purpose.
May is the brain cancer awareness month. But the grey matters 365 days. DIPG Support and Awareness, DIPG Ponsgliom – Information Und Unterstützung Betroffenerfener, for everyday they are updating the journey of dipg warriors, and remembering those who are in heaven.
This is how we honor love and to honor Dipg warriors. Love never dies, and love grows more love.
Because of not letting go, we have foundations for Dipg warriors.
Because of not being silent and moving on, we are raising Dipg awareness.
Because of continue telling the story, those who died from Dipg were never really dies. They’re not gone forever, instead their stories inspire others.
All the children that have not enough time in this earth to grow up, they will always remembered. They’re loved forever.
The people who love us, will never move on, instead will tell out our story.
We’re not moving away, but we’re moving through it,
filled with joy, peace and meaning.
—- Love is forever, and forever love —-
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”Job 1:21 NIV
(Then Job said this in the last chapter)
“You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.” Job 42:3 NIV
“Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” Job 42:6 NIV
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 NIV
“For God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]” Romans 11:29 AMPC
WEEK 51 POST BIOPSY
BRAINSTEM MIDLINE PONTINE GLIOBLASTOMA (DIPG) GRADE IV
UPDATE ABOUT MY TREATMENT:
Yesterday my blood test result came. My white blood count jumped from 2.8 last Wednesday to 22.8 yesterday (Normal reading 4-10).
This morning I took Chemo (CCNU 40mg 1d/6w).
I will have my MRI end of this month, on 22 May 2018.
The inflammation on my belly (where’s the PEG tube installed) was better. I have pulsing pain on my right back head. Hope it’s temporary and gone soon.
Other symptoms are still the same.