Last week was tough.
I got a heart breaking email, a young lady who is a wife and a mother, passed away from complications caused by DIPG.
I read on the Facebook DIPG community how many are dying so young, going so soon.
I received a message from a friend, she wrote “I have lost all desires to live. I am as good as dead. There is you who wants so much to live, and here is me, who has health but no hope. Why God doesn’t just let you and me switch place… I prayed that God gives you the chance to live and gives me the courage to live”.
On the weekend, I read the shocking news of the death of one of basketball’s greatest players, Kobe Bryant, from a helicopter crash.
Words cannot describe my grief.
There are those who courageously fight to live longer, but lose that chance. There are those who have the chance to have a long life but lose the courage to live it.
What a sobering reality, the vaporous span of life is. And, at the same time, how significant a gift life is.
::: MY GREATEST DESIRE
I had a flashback to about six years ago (if you have read my previous stories, you know about this topic, I shared this story many times). I felt like a ‘dead woman walking’. My life had fallen apart. I had lost my relationship, I was unhappy at work. I was angry with God, wondering why I believe Him and why I serve Him, because I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brought me pain.
I desired a great husband, desired an awesome job, desired fortunes and money, desired a new house, desired a nice body, desired admiration and appreciation in my life in some form. These desires made me function and kept me moving forward, until I was tired and disappointed with myself.
Then depression began eating inside me. I wondered if there’s no destination in life. It’s very devastating when I lost the desire to live, the desire to progress, the desire to achieve or the desire to even get out of bed. At the end, I lost hope.
Eventually, God was pursuing me, through my friends who ministered me: Kayan, Ashlee, and Shawn. There was nowhere I could hide from God. He gave me many chances to understand the truth.
But, I turned away. I was still hurting. I was frightened that my future was uncertain.
So, I convinced myself that I could live this life on my own terms. After all, His way didn’t work out so well for me. I met wrong men, and I had suffered the indescribable pain of an abusive relationship. I was completely broken.
Years passed by, I was faithless and God was faithful. One night, I just had the strength and bravery to run away from the dark place I lived and not turning back.
And, God blesses me more than I could even imagine, He sent me Tobias. For the first time in my life, I felt unconditionally loved by a man. Two months later, the symptoms of DIPG started showing. Since then, the journey has been filled with hospital stays, with treatments, with disabilities and discomforts. But, it has been filled with more joy, love and blessings than I could ever begin to recall.
Now, I realized that it is a journey to change my heart’s greatest desire. God takes my heart from a place of pain, of longing to love and be loved, of doubting His goodness, to a place of complete contentment in Him.
::: CHANCE TO KNOW THE TRUTH
In the past, I had many chances to acknowledge the truth, but I left before I got answers.
Until about two and a half years ago, on a hospital bed, a Bible (a small booklet of the New Testament) was brought to me.
For the first time in my life, I finished reading it.
For the first time, I found out what life was really all about.
For the first time, I understood what the truth is.
Here is the most remarkable truth:
The grace and love of Jesus Christ for you and me through the cross.
I was blind.
I did so many things I’m not proud of because I was disabled from seeing the plain truth of who God is and the salvation He offers.
By His grace, He healed me from that blindness to sight.
Now I see.
I’m seeing He came to this world to make you and I live.
I’m seeing the world the way He wanted me to see.
I’m seeing that He loves us.
I’m seeing that we need Him.
::: COURAGE TO FOLLOW THE TRUTH
In the morning, despite of my illness, I get out of bed and drink tea with Tobias. In the evening, I cook a delicious dinner for Tobias. There is a lot I’m fighting for: a wonderful life, writing stories of hope, helping the needy, the magical love affair with my husband, the wonder of nature and its beauty, and so on.
I am constantly humbled and amazed at God’s grace in my life. He gave me the courage not only to live my life with positivity, but importantly the courage to be willing to follow the truth.
It takes courage to do what God called me to do,
It takes courage to give what He wants me to give,
It takes courage to surrender what He wants me to surrender,
It takes courage to follow Him.
Experiencing the truth is the true freedom,
not researching the truth.
God offers to change your heart and mine,
and allow us to be the full measure of who we really were meant to be.
Let’s take that chance.
Let’s have the courage to follow Him.
Broken Vessels-Hillsong Worship
“Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.”
Psalms 73:25-26 NLT
“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6 ESV
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.””
John 10:27-30 ESV
::: UPDATE ABOUT ME
2 Years 8 Months Post Biopsy
Midline Pontine Glioblastoma/DIPG Grade IV
On January 22nd, I received the 24th round of Avastin.
I will receive the 25th round of Avastin on February 5th.
I decided to do an additional MRI after my trip to Israel in mid February.
Hopefully, by that time there is no tumour detectable in my cerebellum. My last MRI showed that there was something new in my cerebellum. My doctor suspected, it is a pseudo progress, not a real tumor.
My symptoms are pretty much the same.
Please go to “My Medical History” for more details.
Thanks for keeping me in your prayers 🙏
PS: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing my posts.
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