How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
was blind but now I see
::: CHOOSE SAFETY FIRST
One late night in early autumn in 2016, I was welcomed with yelling, as always, when my controlling and alcoholic ex-boyfriend was drunk.
Him: Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn’t you read the letter (addressed to him), are you stupid?! Get out!
In about 30 minutes I have all my suitcases ready. Suitcases I never unpacked because somehow in my heart I knew this is not home.
It’s cold midnight in Germany. The streets were empty and silent. Still digesting what just happened, I took a deep breath, and… I smiled. It’s been too long that I tasted freedom again.
Since that night, I never look back.
I choose to have a new start even though I was scared and had no confidence.
Now I could tell you that it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I gave myself distance and safety, to regain stability, to be healed.
::: CHOOSE FORGIVENESS
T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
Forgiveness is possible, and it’s part of the healing journey.
In my lifetime, I crossed with many people who wronged me, intentionally and unintentionally.
Vice versa, I hurt others intentionally and unintentionally. I am nothing better than others. I also made wrong choices and hurt myself.
When others offended me, I didn’t forgive them. I felt they owe me! Cos’ they took something from me. My pride, my quality, my joy, etc.
Until one day in June 2017, lying in a hospital bed, that moment when I understood grace, came the moment I understood what forgiving really means
What is “amazing grace” for me?
It is accepting love.
Accepting the LORD Jesus died for my selfish and corrupt ways, paid my debts, set me free and called me His daughter. What a mysterious unconditional love.
My heart was healed, and when those offenders appeared in my mind. I could see that they’re just like me, a human being with weaknesses too. My heart was completely free from grudge. I forgave them. I let go.
Here is what I learned in forgiveness:
- Forgiveness is not forgetting. (I have brainstem cancer not amnesia!)
- Forgiveness is not excusing nor tolerating. (What they did is wrong!)
- Forgiveness is not reconciliation nor returning back the way things before. (I am not a doormat!)
- Forgiveness is not allowing those who wronged us escaping consequences. (Take responsibility for myself, not for them)
- Forgiveness does not take 2 people.
- Reconciliation does, that’s why it’s unlikely to happen.
takes place in the very significant part of our being.
We forgive in the heart.
::: CHOOSE THE RIGHT CHOICES
Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come.
T’was grace that brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home
I stayed longer than I should in many areas of my life: In unhealthy relationships, in unhappy working environments, in emotionally-abusing co-dependency, in bad habits, in depression, and much more.
good news is I got out victorious!
I learned my lessons:
By not knowing ‘who am I’, made me searching things to fill a hole in my heart.
Once I knew my identity, I felt whole.
I am whole.
I understood then about being responsible and making right choices for myself.
—Do not accept the unacceptable.
Do not tolerate what doesn’t honour us.
Set clear boundaries to people and things that treat us inappropriately.
Do not waste anymore time accommodating people and things that dim our brilliance. You are worthy.
—Do not be afraid to move on
Do not be afraid to move on, even being alone walking in the storm.
Trust God is with you.
Do not let yourself be drowned, but take risks and take action. Be courageous!
Do not live under the expectations of other people.
Comparing yourself to others won’t bring joy.
Manifest your own light, talent, gift and be brilliant.
You are whole.
—Do not be ignorant.
Ignorance is worst than cancer!
Do not ignore the voice in your heart,
nor ignore your feelings,
nor ignore warning signs.
Do not ignore the honest wisdom.
You are content.
—Do not hold on to lies.
Love is not dishonest,
does not disrespect,
does not dishonour.
Love does not hurt!
love is the most excellent way of life.
It brings out the best in people,
it fulfils the whole law of God.
And you are a brand of love.
::: YOU’RE SEEN AND HEARD
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The most fatal error in my lifetime was this: thinking God has forsaken me.
For long time I was blind to see the truth.
Until I saw clearly what God has done in my life.
When friends abandoned me,
when family misunderstood me,
when I quit my job,
when I was abused,
when I made wrong choices,
when the church leaders rejected me,
when my business failed,
when everyone mocked me,
when I was betrayed,
when I was heartbroken,
when I felt tired,
when I suffered in pain,
when I cried silently.
God was there with me.
He is familiar with all my thoughts and my ways.
Even when our strength is gone,
when our spirit faints,
when we’re so troubled that we can’t pray.
we are not abandoned, never forsaken!
He sees and hears, and understands us.
Yes we need to cross the wilderness in life,
we might suffer and grief,
we might grew tired,
what we have done might be forgotten.
The world forgets us.
But God never forgets us!
Because our name is imprinted on His palm!
When you’re awake, you’re still with the LORD.
(To be continued- PART 3/FINAL)
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.”Psalm 139:7-18 NIV
“But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.” “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.”Isaiah 49:14-16 NIV
PS: a song for you: Amazing Grace by Darlene Zschech ❤️
::: UPDATE ABOUT ME
Today, I did 11x of 15 rounds 2gy. 4 more to go.
I took dexamethasone 8mg to against edema (brain swelling).
Physically I am weak. I walk and do things slow like a sloth. My face is rounder. My voice sounds nasal and slurred, but I can still tell a joke to Tobias. But emotionally, I feel happy. 😊
Appreciate your continue prayer for me🙏
Thank you ☺️ ❤️