Lately, I’m not doing well.
Most of my time, I stay in bed, I feel tired, I have head pressure, double vision, weak right arm, pain in my left arm, weak legs, sensitive pain on my face.
Last week we were in Davos, Switzerland on one of Tobias’ business trips. On our last evening, we drove up to a mountain pass. It was so windy and cold.
I was sitting on the bench there, my heart was completely broken, looking at the amazing view wasn’t helping. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. And I just cried my heart out with the agony with which I am having to live.
Tobias was hurt seeing me crying, and said “I see it that lately you’re not doing well. I am aware of your condition, and I don’t know what to say to you. But, know that you’re not alone in this. I’m with you”. Tears flowing from his eyes.
We drowned in sadness.
::: THE CRIES OF MY HEART
The knowledge, the prayers, the songs, the encouragement words may bring me a certain point.
But, in this moment, all seemed distant.
I felt like the loneliest human being in the world, and I said to the wind
“God, are You really in this?”,
“can You hear me God”?
“Are You concerned with my cries”?
I cannot contain my finitude anymore.
I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel abandoned.
::: I GET THE GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN
Then, I calmed myself, Tobias calmed himself. We were both open to each other about our feelings, this helps us walking through this journey.
We got back into the car and drove on to have dinner.
We had cheese fondue.
I felt excited for trying my first Swiss fondue.
The restaurant was beautifully located in a valley of Davos. Through the window, I saw a herd of Alpine cows gazing on the green hills of Alps.
The sky was a bit cloudy and grayish.
After dinner, filled with cheese and bread, we walked back our car.
I was physically tired, but my mind forced me to spend time with my love, Tobias. So, I pulled his hand to follow my way to have a short walk along the creek flowing through the valley. He loved the idea.
Just after a few meters walk. We’re on a small bridge over the creek.
Not far from us, there was the herd of cows I spotted earlier from the restaurant.
We heard only the relaxing sound of the flowing water and the cowbells.
It was so peaceful.
Then, everything looked golden.
As I looked up at the sky, I gasped in wonder!
I saw a rainbow peeking out of the golden clouds, illuminated by the setting sun.
This image of infinite beauty made it seem like this is heaven.
Then, I saw a young calf nursing at the utter of its mother.
As I looked at the marvels of God’s creation,
my heart whispered to me,
“God Almighty, the Great I AM”
::: HE SPEAKS
We took our time there, enjoying the beautiful moment.
Here’s the grandest surprise.
Questions raised in my heart,
as if it’s God voice breaks forth to me,
and answered me.
“Where were you when these sprawling mountains were put into the place?”
“Where were you when this magnificent river was put in it’s course?”
“Can you tell Me how it is that even the cow takes care of it’s young?”
“Can you tell Me how these marvelous works that you look at came into being?”
“Can you explain all?”
I humbled myself and in my heart I said, “God Almighty, there are things I don’t comprehensively understand, that I have just taken for granted…”
As I wondered at these marvelous creation and the designer’s hand behind it, I was reminded that He is the Holy Father and He can bring design even to me who’s in the agony.
::: HE COMFORTS
That was the most beautiful scenery I’ve ever seen. It’s not long, but enough.
I will never forget that.
God reveals Himself in personal ways to me
when I needed that personal disclosure,
when someone else’s answers aren’t going to satisfy me.
God sees the agony of my heart individually.
Now, I understand deeper the story of why God leaves the ninety-nine to go and pick up the one, because the individual is not dispensable.
I feel very much comforted. I am matter to Him.
::: HE MEDIATES
The next morning, before we drove home, we went up to the highest peak by cable car.
We sat outdoors at the café on the top of the mountain on a beautiful day, drinking coffee and gazing down to the city of Davos.
But here, nothing grows. It’s rocky, it’s cold.
The glimpse of heaven yesterday was still fresh in my mind.
Then, my mind challenged me, and asked “why do I believe there’s heaven?”
—Yes, despite a tumor in my brain, my mind often asks and answer my own questions.—
I believe in heaven because I believe in Jesus’ resurrection.
As I gazed at that rocky hill,
people with their mountain bikes going downhill,
I imagined Jesus Christ carried His cross uphill.
He felt what we feel,
He walked where people walked,
He got hurt as people hurt,
He was tested as we are,
He went to the cross and to the cruel death.
He had saved others, Himself He didn’t save.
He had cured people from their lameness and they can walk away, Himself He couldn’t walk away.
He had healed the blind, Himself He cannot keep open His eyes with the anguish that was riddling His body.
He had raised Lazarus from the dead, Himself He’s going the way of the cross to a painful and a shameful death in the eyes of the people.
Finally He cried out in an agonizing moment, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” —“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”
Now, I understood why Jesus said those words, so that I would never have to say them again.
He is close to me. And when He died on that cross, death lost it’s sting.
::: HE STRENGTHENS
When I meet new people and tell them a bit of my journey. Most of them have one same comment, “you are so strong.”
Truly, I don’t feel strong at all.
If only they know my untold agony.
I’m weak and fragile.
But, God gives me the strength to endure it.
How He does it is a mystery,
how He does it is a miracle,
that He does it is true.
I learn to trust Him for what I don’t know.
His grace is sufficient.
He gives me that day-to-day strength.
::: HE RESTORES
I have consoled myself realizing this world is temporary, heaven is eternal.
I will be well and free when I’m in His presence.
And this glimpse of eternity overpowers the temporariness of my loss here.
You may now be feeling pain,
it may be a grieving heart,
it may be a relationship that is just broken,
it may be a gravel path you have to cross,
it may be a physical maladies,
it may be a financial struggle,
it may be your home.
Suffering is a real part of life, and we feel it again and again.
There’re no answers there in the worldview
how to deal with suffering.
But turn to Holy Father and His teaching.
God is big enough to carry us through.
“I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.”
Revelation 21:3-7 NLT
::: UPDATE ABOUT ME
2 Years 4 Months Post Biopsy
Midline Pontine Glioblastoma/DIPG Grade IV
Next Tuesday, I will receive the 15th round avastin chemo.
I will have MRT on Monday, September 16th.
My symptoms are pretty much the same, but intensity is increasing. However, I have no new symptoms developed.
Please go to “My Medical History” for more details.
Thanks for keeping me in your prayers 🙏
PS: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing my posts.
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