I usually don’t comment on an article, but this time I did.
Few days ago I read a Facebook post by a Christianity page that I followed, it said a 4 years old girl is praising God while battling cancer, when most sick adults would be angry at Him.
Fighting cancer is not easy, period. For both young and old is painful. The different is the way of thinking, a child and a grown man, simple mind and complex mind, which is normal.
I get the message that the little girl is brave and she is truly an inspiration. However, this “most sick adults would be angry at Him” judging sentence troubled me.
I stand with cancer warriors and I understand what cancer means, physically and emotionally. We fight not only the disease but also we fight the sense of hopelessness.
::: “ANGRY AT GOD”
When we’re diagnosed with cancer or other chronic illness when we’re living healthy, we felt unfair. How can you tell us not to feel angry?
When we have battles in front of us we’re never fought before, how can you tell us not to feel afraid?
When we’re told months to live, and no cure, how can you tell us not to feel discouraged?
We can’t help it to feel that way. It’s a correct emotional response. But just because we feel, it does not define it’s who we are.
These emotions are raw and passionate, and say the things that many believers dare not voice aloud to God.
“Does it please you God to oppress me?”
“You have made me taste bitterness of the soul!”
::: EXPRESS FEELINGS
When feeling is not expressed, it solidifies into a cold resentment,a bitter silence that pushes further down to depression, further away from God and those who love us.
Oprah Winfrey said “you cannot heal what you will not speak”.
Speak, confront, express feelings.
Anger is a feeling, it doesn’t mean the truth.
I do not encourage uncontrollable bloody red hot anger, but dialoguing anger (and things we don’t understand) is an essential part of the process in conversation, both with your love ones and with God.
Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
::: “AM I WORTH?”
Very often I was hard on myself. I expected things and promises come to me automatically. When it did not, I question my self, my self worthy.
I want to share beautiful stories of my friends that are not battling cancer but other issues:
“Me and my husband tried for years and have seen many doctors, did tests, all fine, but I just can’t get pregnant” cried my friend. “Could it be a curse from what I did (abortion) long time ago?”
“I had an abortion when I was a teenager. My husband knew my past, but when we got married I was afraid I will never be able to get pregnant again”, said
my other friend anxiously.
Both of them now have beautiful children. While back then they were questioning their worth,
back then they were cursed by some of their friends,
back then they felt angry and discouraged.
Then their desire was answered in His time,
I can see clearly it’s a blessing.
When we face difficulties, or when people judged us, we can be tempted with questions in our head:
“Am I not good enough?”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
“Is my faith is not strong enough?”
But know this..
There’s nothing we can do to make us worth more or worth less
There’s nothing we can do to make God love us more or love us less
There’s nothing we can do…
This called Grace.
It doesn’t matter you’re believer or not, you’re worthy and loved perfectly.
I’m writing this not to encourage anger, not to encourage abortion. But I encourage kindness, patience and love. Courage replace discourage, blessing replace curse, understanding replace judging, caring replace avoiding.
And yes, I encourage you to not to hide or to feel bad to show your feelings. Stay away from haters, judgers. Stay close to those who love and support you.
I wish you for abundant love, love to keep you strong and courageous in your situation, courage to face your fear, your pain, your discouragement.
::: LOVE CONQUERS
A conversation at our dinner table:
“Honig, what’s in your mind?” asked my husband.
“I am tired of hoping”, I hide my wet eyes.
I saw pictures of beautiful friends in sexy outfit going parties, I read status of friends getting new job, getting language certification, getting enrolled for MBA, etc. While me planning going for ergotherapist, blood test every week, next cycle of chemo.
“Are you happy?”, he continued asking.
“Yes I am, I am very happy with you”, I can’t help but crying.
“Then that’s the most important thing. I‘m very happy with you. Each day matters.”
“Today you made bathbombs, though they’re failed”,
“Yesterday you play balloon badminton with your ergotherapist”,
“Tomorrow we are going for trips”,
“It’s not about future complete healing, but it’s about here and now, progress one step at the time”,
“And I am very proud of you for who you are”,
“Don’t stop hoping”, he hugged me.
“We face this together”.
Love conquers fear.
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”- John 14:6
WEEK 42 POST BIOPSY GRADE IV BRAINSTEM PONTINE GLIOBLASTOMA (DIPG) MEDICAL UPDATE:
Today I went to Karlsruhe Klinikum and met my doctor.
My leukocyte level still low, 2.4 (normal range 4-10). My leukocyte level must at least above 3 to take chemo again.
So I will have blood test again next week.
So far my symptoms are quite stable. Lately have pain on my right face or right eyelids. Pain come and go.